Get Rich or Die Tryin'.

For anyone who is not aware, this is the 50 Cent movie that is allegedly based on his life.
I realize that only 4 or 5 people actually saw this, so I'll do my best to make this review readable to those who haven't.

Somewhere in the beginning he's talking about how he doesn't know who his father is and says "The problem was, everyone loved my momma; so anyone could be my daddy." So... "My mom's a slut." Thanks, son! I'm really glad you put my promiscuity into your film as a plot device. That's every mother's dream!

His girlfriends' parents find a rap tape that he's recorded and given to her as a gift. In true 50 Cent form, it is overtly sexual and includes phrases like "Lick up on it." The girl's parents make her move away. Personally, I think that's a slight over-reaction to owning a tape with explicit lyrics, but the 80s were a different time. You can never be too careful in an era when this was not only acceptable, but revered.

You know, this IS a deeply heartwarming tale. 50 Cent becomes a drug dealer at a pretty young age. When asked why, he replies that it is so he can afford to buy sneakers. Footware is the true currency of the impoverished.

The switch between "Young 50" and him after like... 15 is definitely when the shit starts to get good (and by "good" I obviously mean "hilariously awful.") Watching 50 Cent attempting to act is really deeply entertaining. I actually laughed aloud when he was having a fight with some family members that ended with him yelling "I'm a gangsta, grandpa, and I'm proud of it!" Good lord. Really?

Correct me if I'm wrong, here, but I suspect that part of being a good rapper is being able to speak quickly but still be understood. Maybe he was better at opening his mouth before the whole... shot in the face... thing, but I feel like Mr.Cent would be a superior rapper if he would actually open his mouth while speaking. Then again, I am not some kind of hip hop scholar.

I happen to be watching this on TV (since I don't exactly have the capital for renting movies at the moment) and I think the censors need to get their shit straight. Earlier in the film they blurred out a joint that was being passed between 2 guys, but completely left in the scene on how to make crack. Having youth know what a joint looks like is completely unacceptable, unlike showing them how to make crack and also innumerable gang fights and drive-by shootings. Shooting people and drug dealing: cool; smoking weed and eating Cheetos in your underpants: tantamount to genocide.

Majorly epic scene that I'm supposed to be sad about and all I can think about is how funny it was one when the one guy said "I'll get a amb-a-lance."

Well, I went to refill my drink for what I thought was 2 seconds and now 50 Cent is in jail and the man who, earlier, was wearing a mesh tank top is now some kind of rap producer. In the meantime, our protagonist has been scrawling rap lyrics on the wall with a razor. Seeing as he became a famous rapper, this is kind of a neat plot point. If he hadn't, they'd just have been the incoherent ramblings of an insane, incarcerated man.

All I know is that this new part where 50 Cent is doing less shooting people and way more rapping is extremely boring. So what if you can make rap music with beats people like? Snooooooooore. It's way more interesting when you're popping caps in asses.

Right before he gets shot in the face in this movie, he says "I thought I heard my mother call my name. Turned out it was my grandma. That's what saved my life." Interesting if you're following all this drama about 50 Cent's Twitter. Grandma, you may have saved my life, but I ain't takin' out no garbage now that I've gotten rich as opposed to dying trying. He certainly has gotten rich. This is what he does now when he's bored.

I really do need to remember how stylish one looks whilst wearing a bullet-proof vest. I think I am going to purchase one as a fashion accessory. Fiddy's, however, must serve a slightly more practical purpose. Shoot me one time, shame on you, shoot me 9 times and I'm going to start wearing a bullet-proof vest to bed. He may also want to invest in a helmet. Just a thought.

Overall: this movie is worth watching for the comedic value alone. There are definitely some moments that will make you crack up with laughter. I hope you can tolerate 50 Cent's music, though, since it is the entire sound track. Occasionally they listen to it on the radio in times before he was even recording music. Yep. For real. I give this movie 9 gunshots to the face. (Zero, of course, being the ideal - since nobody wants to get shot in the fucking face.)

Anaconda

This gem, straight outta '97, combines my love of giant snakes and bad acting.

Just the opening credits of this mess are hilarious. Owen Wilson? Jennifer Lopez? Fucking ICE CUBE? Holy shit, is this the dude who plays Machete?! IMDB has let me know that oh my, yes it is. Whatever, he didn't even survive the credits.

Jennifer Lopez is some kind of hunter or scientist or some shit. There's also some other skank who's with Owen Wilson who wears tiny shorts and a button up shirt that's tied in the middle like every 90s sex symbol. You can always see her bra. "Is it just me or does the jungle make you really, really horny?" - Direct quote from Owen Wilson's character to hers. Yeah, they'll be lasting long. Horror film rules say he and his slutty broad bite it first; probably whilst banging in some secluded area. Well, either them or Ice Cube. Nothing carries a death sentence in a bad thriller like expressing your interest in orgasms or being an ethnic minority.

There's this dude in the beginning who's trying to bang J-Lo and somehow he bags her by talking about the mating rituals of fireflies. Yep. That's it for me. Flashing insect butts get me hot every time. I'm surprised they don't make pornos about bioluminesence.

Please prepare yourself for Jon Voight's character. He may have begotten Angelina Jolie, but his unidentifiable, South American accent leaves MUCH to be desired. Portuguese? Spanish? Nobody knows. Either way: bad. It is also important to note that he has a disgusting ponytail.

Don't watch this movie unless you're into cliched and poorly-written horror film characters.
The strong, female lead: "I am tough, sexy, and also know science."
The snooty British guy: "I've brought expensive wine on a boat that has such minimal facilities that I have to defecate in a bucket"
The sexy couple: "We serve little more purpose than to make sex jokes and die spectacularly"
The helpful older guy who turns out to be evil: "Hey guys, I know lots about the jungle. On an unrelated note, I'll totally kill you to make some money." Important to note: must be killed 30-40 times for death to be achieved.
The cool, black dude: "Aaww hell no, I ain't getting eaten by some snake" Unfortunately, sir, the likelihood is that you will.
The guy everyone forgot about until he saves the day: "Hey! I'm alive! Remember me? No? Oh..."

Also, don't watch it if you have an issue with dead monkeys.

I realise it was 13 years ago, but did they really make this movie seriously? "Okay okay, I've got an idea. We'll get a bunch of D-list actors and a couple of music stars and put them on a boat in the amazon where they're going to get eaten by a giant snake." "Dude, why didn't I think of that?!" Because it's retarded. Side note: if it were a reality show, I think I'd watch it. Can we make that happen somehow?

The dialogue, acting and special effects are out-of-control ridiculous. There is actually a scene that includes a CGI Anaconda that's on fire and still trying to eat people. Don't you think writhing in pain would be a priority over satiating its hunger? I don't know about you, but nothing curbs my appetite quite like being lit on fire.

This movie sucks. I wouldn't recommend watching it unless you're very intoxicated. Or stupid. Stupid works too.

Chocolat

I found myself watching Chocolat because it was the most interesting thing on at 1am on a Friday night when all my friends are busy. I thought "Oh hey, I'm a chick and I'm drunk, this movie should be entertaining enough." The cover lead me to believe that Johnny Depp would be a prominent feature.

This movie disappointed in ways I was unprepared for. Mostly, this film is about a deeply religious, very set-in-its-ways French village in what I think is supposed to be the 1950s. Seriously, though, who the fuck knows? I mean, it's France. Those guys are like "What? It's been more than 20 minutes since the revolution? Ca ne me interesse pas."

For some reason, even though I know it's the only way they can make a film about France and release it in America, the France-esque setting mixed with a group of people speaking in American (and, for good measure a few English) accents is infuriating. I think this one broad is some kind of Eastern European. They like to throw in random French words to seem like it makes sense, but it really fucking doesn't. This film has the odd feeling of being dubbed from French without actually having been dubbed.

Anyway, I was like "Oh hey, at least Johnny Depp is in this, even if the plot sucks big, pseudo-French dick, there should be some eye candy or some such shit."| Uhhh... no. He doesn't show up until past the half-way mark, and when he does he is a classical-guitar playing vagabond with a ponytail. Yaaaaaaaay. and by "Yay" I mean "Ew, please shower and get a fucking haircut you disgusting beast"

Of course, far before that, the viewer has to deal with all kinds of various bullshit. You get your tired fish-out-of-water story when some bitch who saunters around Europe with her daughter born out of wedlock turn up in a super-religious town. We are all very surprised when she wins everyone - even the most disgruntled old woman - over with her delicious fucking chocolates. Oh, and by the way, that old woman has diabetes. Obviously she likes the chocolate-slinger, since she's the only one in town who will give her sugar.

Our beloved main character bitch who peddles chocolate also takes in a woman who's husband is abusing her (Her husband being portrayed by one of the Nihilists from The Big Lebowski) who miraculously starts to wear makeup after she's rescued.

Blah, blah, motherfucking blah, Johnny Depp and his band of gypsies turn up on a big boat and the big crew of haters in this town obviously start hating on them and being like "Heeey, you're different, please leave".

I haven't finished it yet, but my guess is that chocolate broad wins over all their hearts and minds with chocolate and maybe some bullshit speech about how all humans are created equal, whether they're sluts, chocolatiers or dirty dudes with ponytails.

Finished the film. Diabetes lady dies and ponytailz gets his boat lit on fire. Overcoming adversity is as easy as melting a pot of fucking refined cocoa beans. They did manage to forgo the big, preachy speech, but instead we we're handed something even more horrifying. One of the last scenes in this film shows the antagonist trashing the chocolate shop and accidentally getting a small piece in his mouth. He tastes how delicious it is, falls in love and starts rolling in the chocolate. I almost wish I were joking.

Moral of the story: Haters gonna hate, but give them chocolate and they might stop hating after they light your boat on fire even if they're nihilists.