The Little Mermaid

Obviously, since I was once a little girl in the 90s, I've seen this movie a thousand times. However, while the other little girls wanted their very own Prince Eric, my interest lied squarely with Sam the dog. Before you get into any silly bestiality comments, please consider that as far as a 6-year-old girl is concerned, there are few differences between a relationship with a man and one with a loveably fictional dog. Tea parties, holding hands and, of course, cuddling. The only difference being that most girls don't imagine the dog dressed in a tux in front of a priest. (Perhaps one with a boner?)

Does anyone else find it a little strange that in this opening concert nobody noticed that Ariel was missing until the middle of the fucking performance? Weren't they like "Where the fuck is she?!" during makeup or any of the other preparations? For that matter, didn't someone at least have to help her get into that ludicrously over-sized clam shell thing? "She's not in here yet, I guess I'll just close 'er up and hope for the best" - some random stage hand. 

How can Sebastian possibly be Jamaican? Am I to believe that he's an immigrant? If so, would a crab from the Carribean really be able to survive in, what I'm guessing, is somewhere in Europe? I should say not. Therefore, the only reasonable explanation is that he is either faking it or has some kind of extremely unconventional speech impediment.

I need to address Ariel's compulsive collecting of human artifacts. At one point, she is running away from a shark and runs back to grab her bag at risk of being killed because it contains a fork. Even if you disregard how the Mer-people feel about humans, this is a very unhealthy addiction. I get that it's a slight betrayal for Sebastian to tell her father, but in the guy's defense I would totally tell him too. Though it is a wonder how the king would respond to a suggestion that he take his daughter to a Mer-Psychologist. Every other time I've seen this movie, I empathized with Ariel when her dad smashes all her things and - though I do admit that wasn't the best reaction - I feel sorry for the guy. If I found out my kid was that obsessed with anything, I'd freak the fuck out, too. I guess at least she's obsessed with humans and not Justin Bieber.

Disney, you guys need to cool it with the fatty hate. The evil character is an overweight octopus-woman? That's nice. Wouldn't her evil scheming and being a witch be sufficient to frighten children? Do we need to throw in a dash of intolerance as well? It's not as if young girls growing up watching this won't already want Ariel's lovely (and physically impossible), physique. Now, in addition, they learn the important lesson that fat people are evil and will try to kill you. Please note the fat French chef as another case of evil fat people trying to murder everyone you love.

We are made to believe that Flounder dragged the statue of Prince Eric back to Ariel's secret cave. That motherfucker doesn't even have a means of gripping something like that, let alone the strength to pull it a great distance. He can't have gotten help since only he and Ariel know about the cave. My only conclusion is that Flounder has been juicing. Also, if I were Prince Eric and I found out this bitch had a huge, ridiculous statue of me in her weird hide-out so she could look at me whenever and kiss it and god knows what, I would be extremely worried. As a Prince, I'm sure he's used to dealing with problems of stalkers and people who are into him that he wants nothing to do with, but seriously, it's one thing to Google Brad Pitt and print out 35 pictures of him and another altogether to have a fucking stone statue of him that's the size of a compact car that only you and your best friend (who happens to be a fish) know about. Seriously, this chick needs to be locked up. She's a hazard to herself and others.

By no means am I some kind of... hydrologist (is that a thing?!), but I am pretty fucking certain that if you were swimming that vigorously around the ocean, your fucking tiny as shit bikini top would fall right off. Admittedly, as far as Disney is concerned, this is probably a part of her anatomy and not some kind of clothing item. Kind of like Ursula's dress/tentacles.

I get that Disney cartoonifies everything, but just like their loving interpretation of baboons, I gotta say: have you ever seen a fucking ling? They are scary as shiiiiiiit! (Disney vs. Real)

Ariel turns into a human and learns to walk in like... five minutes? No chance she learns to walk upright that quickly. And that's if you completely ignore the whole mess of having entirely new genitalia. Seeing a vagina for the first time is definitely not something for the faint of heart, but consider the fact that she completely needs to re-learn how to pee.

This fucking asshole prince has a woman living with him and they're dating and going out together to events and like fucking going boating in blue lagoons together and this dick meets some other broad who has the same voice as some chick he remembers from a dream and he's like "LET'S GET MARRIED TOMORROW!!!!!" That's pretty fucked up, if you ask me. If he's willing to leave you suddenly on a whim just because you have laryngitis, he may not be the man you want. Also, wouldn't he, at some point in the marriage, see the real Ursula in the mirror when they're like... getting ready to go to work or whatever and be like "FUCK, you're secretly a fat witch who's also an octopus. We should maybe consider separating."

I really can't get into how fucked up it is that this girl is leaving everything and everyone she's ever known to be with a man she met 3 days ago. Even as a kid I thought this was insane. I get that he's gorgeous and also the god damned Prince, but... fuck. I think you might be jumping the gun a bit. This isn't like moving to Asia to be with someone you love. You can't go back to the world you grew up in. Ever. You can briefly see members of your family if they swim to the scary, dangerous surface (even though mermaid law dictates that humans are totally not supposed to see mermaids). It's a pretty messed up scenario. I hope things don't go South for this relationship.Thanks for the important lesson, Disney. Remember, kids: if you find a hot, rich guy, marry him right away even if it means never speaking to any of your friends and family ever again.

For additional information on how fucking terrifying ling are, click here.

The Lion King

Okay, okay, first off I want to say that I have seen The Lion King an unreasonable number of times since it came out when I was 6. In no way do I dislike this film. However, it's always fun to observe in-discrepancies, even in your favourite things.

From the get-go, I think we need to observe the fact that one of the most beloved characters in this film is a baboon. Baboons, in case you're not aware, are fucking TERRIFYING (Don't believe me? Check here). Through no amount of cartoonification can I be convinced that Rafiki is going to do anything other than rip my face off with his terrifyingly large canine teeth and then perhaps rub his big gross butt on me. In the film, they made it a nice, non-offensive blue-ish colour. In reality, a baboon's butt is not only a frightening shade of bright red, but also disgustingly lumpy and weird. (Look!)

The version I have has a new song added to it called "The Morning Report" which replaced the scene where Simba pounces on Zazu. This new addition straight up sucks for a number of reason. For one, the song isn't even good and is only like 30 seconds long. For another, the original scene was better because it showed a major bonding moment between Simba and Mufasa as he taught him how to hunt. In its place is a bizarre attempt to cut together various parts without having to bring the original voice actors back in.

Moving on, can we address that Simba and Nala are in an arranged marriage? Sure, it works out in the end because they fall in love or whatever, but what if it hadn't? What the fuck are we teaching children? "Okay, so maybe you don't love this guy, but you should marry him anyway because he's going to be the freaking king." Okay, maybe that IS a good lesson for young girls. I'm sure she could find herself a manstress on the side.

As a young child I thought to myself "How does Zazu know that the Rhino sitting on him is female?" The answer has become perfectly clear to me and the only response I can muster is "Ew."

Watching this film through adult eyes is a very strange thing. You realize that in one scene, Mr.Bean is preventing Randy Taylor from being eaten by Cheech and Guinan.

All the lions have these well-thought-out African names. In fact, I think "Simba" means "Lion" in Swahili and "Mufasa" means "king". Scar, on the other hand, has a very poorly-written Bond-villain-esque name that seems to have come directly out of exhaustion. "Fuck this, I am too tired to think of a good name for this character. Let's draw a scar on his face and name him Scar." Also, how did he end up so lanky? They chalk it up to him missing out on the "brute strength" gene. In real life, however, this probably means he's underfed. I like to think it is as a result of him being rude to the huntresses and them being like "Fuck you, dick, you can't have any of the zebra carcass."

Now, we ALL love Timon and Pumba, but the fact remains that no matter how you slice it, Timon is kind of a dick. He takes credit for Pumba's ideas and tells him that he's stupid and smelly all the time. That's really not a healthy relationship by any means. Hey kids! Do you want to be like one of your favourite film characters? Just undermine your overweight friend until they submit to you and you'll be able to ride them everywhere! and all this is even if we disregard my feelings on the topic of subjecting children to bad puns.

I really can't get into how many insects and grubs a lion cub would have to eat on a daily basis in order to reach a healthy level of protein and taurine, but I'm only 20% serious about that. What I AM serious about is the fact that Johnathan Taylor Thomas grew up to be fucking Ferris Bueller. This frightens me.

On to the "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?" scene: I know you guys haven't seen each other in a long time and were childhood friends or whatever. And yes, I get that you're falling in love, but aren't your people in another land slowly dying of starvation? Is this REALLY the ideal time to be flirting and throwing yourselves into ponds on ropes? Come on!

This part where Rafiki shows up to show Simba the error of his ways reminds me of something. A young guy meets an eccentric old dude in a jungle area and the old man shows him his true potential and that his father isn't really dead after all - in some way or another. (Oh, and his father is voiced by James Earle Jones). I get the feeling we're suddenly in the Dagobah System.

So when he sees his father's ghost or whatever the fuck, he is like "Look, Simba, I know you're happy in your perfect paradise life, but you're going to have to deal with the fact that isn't good enough. Go fucking get your shit together and be king, otherwise you don't love me." Seriously. Mufasa essentially tells him that if he doesn't go be king, he has forgotten his father. Pretty intense shit. I mean, I guess some lives are in the balance or whatever, but don't you think his dad would want him to be happy? Not when his dad is secretly Darth Vader and also the dude who says "If you build it, they will come." While we're on that subject, how did the father have such a deep, intense voice and the son gets stuck with Matthew Broderick's pubescent squeal? Simba's mother has a deeper voice than him. Maybe it's all the grubs.

I don't have much else to say except that you should check out the slo-mo fight between Simba and Scar. It gets pretty comical, there, for a moment or two "Aaah! You lion pawed me in the face!" "I am leaping through flames to defeat you"

Lessons learned: Don't fuck with the king of the lions, even if you think he's dead; don't fuck with the king of the lions even if you know he's dead, because he'll help somehow; make friends with baboons because they won't murder you, but will, instead, be very friendly and can fight like Bruce Lee.