The Little Mermaid

Obviously, since I was once a little girl in the 90s, I've seen this movie a thousand times. However, while the other little girls wanted their very own Prince Eric, my interest lied squarely with Sam the dog. Before you get into any silly bestiality comments, please consider that as far as a 6-year-old girl is concerned, there are few differences between a relationship with a man and one with a loveably fictional dog. Tea parties, holding hands and, of course, cuddling. The only difference being that most girls don't imagine the dog dressed in a tux in front of a priest. (Perhaps one with a boner?)

Does anyone else find it a little strange that in this opening concert nobody noticed that Ariel was missing until the middle of the fucking performance? Weren't they like "Where the fuck is she?!" during makeup or any of the other preparations? For that matter, didn't someone at least have to help her get into that ludicrously over-sized clam shell thing? "She's not in here yet, I guess I'll just close 'er up and hope for the best" - some random stage hand. 

How can Sebastian possibly be Jamaican? Am I to believe that he's an immigrant? If so, would a crab from the Carribean really be able to survive in, what I'm guessing, is somewhere in Europe? I should say not. Therefore, the only reasonable explanation is that he is either faking it or has some kind of extremely unconventional speech impediment.

I need to address Ariel's compulsive collecting of human artifacts. At one point, she is running away from a shark and runs back to grab her bag at risk of being killed because it contains a fork. Even if you disregard how the Mer-people feel about humans, this is a very unhealthy addiction. I get that it's a slight betrayal for Sebastian to tell her father, but in the guy's defense I would totally tell him too. Though it is a wonder how the king would respond to a suggestion that he take his daughter to a Mer-Psychologist. Every other time I've seen this movie, I empathized with Ariel when her dad smashes all her things and - though I do admit that wasn't the best reaction - I feel sorry for the guy. If I found out my kid was that obsessed with anything, I'd freak the fuck out, too. I guess at least she's obsessed with humans and not Justin Bieber.

Disney, you guys need to cool it with the fatty hate. The evil character is an overweight octopus-woman? That's nice. Wouldn't her evil scheming and being a witch be sufficient to frighten children? Do we need to throw in a dash of intolerance as well? It's not as if young girls growing up watching this won't already want Ariel's lovely (and physically impossible), physique. Now, in addition, they learn the important lesson that fat people are evil and will try to kill you. Please note the fat French chef as another case of evil fat people trying to murder everyone you love.

We are made to believe that Flounder dragged the statue of Prince Eric back to Ariel's secret cave. That motherfucker doesn't even have a means of gripping something like that, let alone the strength to pull it a great distance. He can't have gotten help since only he and Ariel know about the cave. My only conclusion is that Flounder has been juicing. Also, if I were Prince Eric and I found out this bitch had a huge, ridiculous statue of me in her weird hide-out so she could look at me whenever and kiss it and god knows what, I would be extremely worried. As a Prince, I'm sure he's used to dealing with problems of stalkers and people who are into him that he wants nothing to do with, but seriously, it's one thing to Google Brad Pitt and print out 35 pictures of him and another altogether to have a fucking stone statue of him that's the size of a compact car that only you and your best friend (who happens to be a fish) know about. Seriously, this chick needs to be locked up. She's a hazard to herself and others.

By no means am I some kind of... hydrologist (is that a thing?!), but I am pretty fucking certain that if you were swimming that vigorously around the ocean, your fucking tiny as shit bikini top would fall right off. Admittedly, as far as Disney is concerned, this is probably a part of her anatomy and not some kind of clothing item. Kind of like Ursula's dress/tentacles.

I get that Disney cartoonifies everything, but just like their loving interpretation of baboons, I gotta say: have you ever seen a fucking ling? They are scary as shiiiiiiit! (Disney vs. Real)

Ariel turns into a human and learns to walk in like... five minutes? No chance she learns to walk upright that quickly. And that's if you completely ignore the whole mess of having entirely new genitalia. Seeing a vagina for the first time is definitely not something for the faint of heart, but consider the fact that she completely needs to re-learn how to pee.

This fucking asshole prince has a woman living with him and they're dating and going out together to events and like fucking going boating in blue lagoons together and this dick meets some other broad who has the same voice as some chick he remembers from a dream and he's like "LET'S GET MARRIED TOMORROW!!!!!" That's pretty fucked up, if you ask me. If he's willing to leave you suddenly on a whim just because you have laryngitis, he may not be the man you want. Also, wouldn't he, at some point in the marriage, see the real Ursula in the mirror when they're like... getting ready to go to work or whatever and be like "FUCK, you're secretly a fat witch who's also an octopus. We should maybe consider separating."

I really can't get into how fucked up it is that this girl is leaving everything and everyone she's ever known to be with a man she met 3 days ago. Even as a kid I thought this was insane. I get that he's gorgeous and also the god damned Prince, but... fuck. I think you might be jumping the gun a bit. This isn't like moving to Asia to be with someone you love. You can't go back to the world you grew up in. Ever. You can briefly see members of your family if they swim to the scary, dangerous surface (even though mermaid law dictates that humans are totally not supposed to see mermaids). It's a pretty messed up scenario. I hope things don't go South for this relationship.Thanks for the important lesson, Disney. Remember, kids: if you find a hot, rich guy, marry him right away even if it means never speaking to any of your friends and family ever again.

For additional information on how fucking terrifying ling are, click here.