The Scorpion King

I should probably preface that I totally haven't seen the second Mummy movie, nor do I intend to.
I chose this winner based solely on its poster --->
and the fact that it stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Dude, The Rock is your character name. That's like Harrison Ford being billed as "Han Solo" in any film post-Star-Wars. Most people try to get away from being typecast but The Rock is all "Listen bros, I don't care if I'm a Scorpion King or a Tooth Fairy, I can't have people forgetting the best and most logical catch phrase in television history."

I mean, come on, look at his intense brow furrowing. That's how you know he's serious. Plus, there is a woman in some kind of chain mail bikini and some flaming swords. If you're a man and you don't have an erection yet, I suggest making a doctor's appointment because there is clearly something wrong with your junk.

Ohhh good news, everybody! The bad guy and the good guy in this feature both have stupid, ponytail-based hairdos. That's really the best indicator of a film's quality.

There's some ongoing junk about how The Rock is the last of some clan called The Acadians which seems like really poorly executed historical research to me, but who gives a shit? If I were the historical researcher for a movie starring The Rock, I would be like "Fuck this, losers. I'm going to make up some shit about French Canadian people and then I can go back to doing coke off my Brazilian girlfriend's fake tits." But I'm not, so instead I'm going to drink gin and complain about bad movies on the internet.

I gotta say, I'd much rather be watching some people attack each other with large guns while racing fast cars than shooting arrows from camels. Although there is unquestionably some camp value to The Scorpion King being shot from a catalapault into a harem.

The Rock's character has shaped eyebrows, long hair, appears to be wearing quite a lot of makeup and is named Matthias. No offense to Matthiases everywhere (Although I'm assuming that would be majoratively Switzerland), but that sounds like a really poorly-written, sassy, gay character who is the sidekick in a romantic comedy. The main character talks about how fat she is even though her BMI is substantially below the healthy level and he assures her that she is beautiful even though he totally digs cocks. "Oh, sweetie, you're sexier than a fireman covered in truffle oil"

Well, there's certainly no greater relationship starter than using each other to save your own ass. That's the real sexiness. "Hey, baby, I need to use you as a hostage" "Oh good, because I was hoping you'd smuggle me out of prison" and so on. I think that's the basic plot of most Kate Hudson movies. The fucked up thing is, it could totally be one. "The Hostage". And the poster shows the two of them back to back looking smug.

Could also work with Katherine Heigl and Matthew Macconaghey.

They keep calling The Rock "The Acadian" which, to me, sounds like a review movie theatre. You know, the one your grandpa goes to to see matinees of 12 Angry Men and yell at the screen?

Unquestionably, the best part of this movie is the frequent brow-furrowing and looking slightly to the left. The cover is pretty epic, but in reality it's just boring. And not even bad enough to be enjoyable. The kind of bad where you really want to turn it off but you're like "I dunno, man, we've made it this far. Maybe there will be some kind of epic battle..." Nope. Turn it off. Go have a wank or cuddle your pets (But for the love of god, not both at the same time). It will not get better. The epic, final battle is the same quality you'd expect to see in your local high school's production of Les Miserables. Although with much sillier costumes.

To sum up, I'm pretty put off by how little of this film actually pertains to scorpions, let alone scorpion heirarchies.

What Happens in Vegas

If Cameron Diaz is playing a stock broker, it's pretty safe to assume you're not about to watch a masterpiece. However, outrageous character careers aside, I was not prepared for just how bad this was going to be.

I have to ask: was Cameron Diaz always this weird-looking? I thought she was good-looking, but in this movie she looks like she was crafted from cheap leather stretched over the skeleton of a bird of prey and covered with latex paint.

So anyway, Cameron Diaz is left by her boyfriend or fiance or what fucking ever, and Ashton Kutcher clearly has a gambling problem so they both go to Vegas to (presumably) meet each other in some extremely unlikely circumstance. Or "Blow off some steam" as the excuse may be.

Ashton Kutcher's gambling addiction is used as a comedic device because addictions are, generally speaking, the best way to open a comedy. Haha! This guy has a crippling addiction! It's ruining his life! HILARIOUS! I mean, if you weren't rolling on the floor laughing while watching Requiem for a Dream, you just have no sense of humour.

So this perfect and obviously meant-for-each-other couple meet as a result of the male one stumbling into the female one's hotel room unintentionally. You know, because that's possible. Hotel room doors close automatically and need to be opened by a card key. Unless it's 1973 - which the number of cellular telephones in this film seems to indicate is not the case - I don't think they can just saunter into a hotel room at random.

Once this happens, our lovely antagonists (I meant to write protagonists, but I feel this is a far more appropriate title) complain to hotel staff. For some mysterious, inexplicable and probably impossible reason, they give them an all-expenses-paid, crazy, VIP bender around Vegas.

This bender includes Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz finding a 'real' connection, and, in true romcom fashion, falling for each other (personified by them having sex, of course).

And then they get married.

And then he wins the jackpot from a slot machine and since they're married, she technically gets half.
They go to court to decide the official owner of the $3 million and the judge sentences them to 6 months of living together and being married before they're allowed to claim any of it. Yup. Actually. Who wrote this? What studio approved this idea? A court order demanding they be married? Are you fucking kidding me? I've heard better ideas for joke sitcoms on real sitcoms.

So despite hating each other and feuding over the rightful ownership of $3 million, they are forced to live together by court order. Naturally, this leads to a number of "hilarious" moments where they attempt to out-do one another. In one incident, the toilet seat and then the bathroom door are removed. In another, one drugs the other's smoothie. This is definitely the sort of innovative comedy writing that people will be talking about for generations. It's films like these that one day our children will show to their children and say "This, my beloved offspring, is comedy in its truest form."

Let's hope to God someone shits their pants.

Although I do not condone shitty writing, I do condone Ashton Kutcher playing Wii Tennis without a shirt on. I apologize for that, straight males and gay females. But it deserved being mentioned as it has definitely been the best part of this movie by a pretty substantial margin. Fortunately, this is eventually saved by some pretty choice lines by Zach Galifanakis.

The amount of alleged legal mumbo jumbo involved in this film makes me want to puke into my shoes and wear them for a couple days. "In the case of ___ vs. ___, it was stated that..." No. In no other case did a judge decree that a couple remain fake married because they were a shitty couple and it was desecrating the institution of marriage. And if there has, that judge should be fired on the spot and/or get hit by a bus.

I swear to God, if they end up together at the end of this crap factory, I am going to walk to Hollywood and burn the motherfucker down. And by that I mean obviously that is going to happen.

Hollywood has gotten to a point where they realize that if they put some famous people in a movie that don't like each other at the beginning but like each other at the end, people will pay $12.95 to see it every fucking time. Why? Because they will. And you know who's fault that is? Not theirs. If I could get paid a million dollars to write a shit movie, I'd fucking do it. But would I pay money to see this crap? Fuck. No.

Eventually, they're pulling everything possible to get out of this situation. They have an epic race to the marriage councilor's office (including, but not limited to: Cameron Diaz exposing her breasts to pay for a cab ride and a motherfucking baguette fight). They also make light of domestic abuse. I mean, if I'm paying top dollar to see a romantic comedy, I'm definitely going to need some jokes to be made at the expense of abuse victims.

Shock and dismay, she's seen his weakness. His father will never think he's good enough. That's why he's such a failure with a gambling problem. Oh fuck, he coaches little league and has other redeeming qualities including a shared interest in extremely popular movies. That's definitely something to base a marriage on. That and a court order.

Why must TV and movies repeatedly force the idea down our throats that if you rrreeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaally hate someone enough, one day you'll miraculously find out you both love Star Wars or some shit and suddenly be in love. No. If you really hate someone enough and you both like Star Wars you'll realize that Star Wars is one of the most popular film franchises of all time and that this person is still a fucking asshole.

Oh, she's come to the fancy ball all dolled up and now it's becoming very clear to him that he loves her. You know, because her regular clothes were not enough. Love is based entirely on the physical appearance of someone when they are wearing an expensive dress. "I didn't realize she was beautiful because she was only wearing her normal clothes." The major difference between the two: this dress is strapless and she's wearing a push-up bra. Thank you, What Happens in Vegas for showing me that love = boobies.

They do, inevitably, fall in love but only after they get a divorce and after a big, obnoxious courtroom scene with Queen Latifa. They end up back together and I end up losing faith in humanity and also spilling bourbon all over my bed in a fit of rage.

The most fucked up thing about this movie is the fact that I am sure there are women all over the world watching this and thinking "I wish I could be in a relationship where someone loves me like this." Women of the world: no you don't. This is the absolute definition of an unhealthy relationship. They treat each other like shit but according to film logic it's okay because they're in love? "Hey honey, I took a shit in your bed." "That's okay, sweetie. We love each other and that's all that matters."

Luckily, none of you have to watch this train wreck. Although, I technically didn't have to either. It is easily one of the worst written full-length features that I have ever seen. I'm telling you that this was physically painful to endure. Please do not watch it; not only for yourself, but for the sake of society as a whole. If I had a choice between having a wisdom tooth removed and re-watching this, I would choose the former since it is at least accompanied by prescription drugs. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sleep on a liquor-soaked mattress.

Can't Hardly Wait

From the opening alone we can tell this is a 1990s teen RomCom. (Personally, I prefer my romcoms to have some zom in there too.) There's some pop-rock song overlaid with a brightly-coloured, handwritten-looking font. And, of course, the words "Seth Green".

Alright, this is bringing back my prior crap about high school movies. I admit I'm not a dude and I also admit I was 10 when this movie came out. However, I do not get being in love with someone you don't know. I get that she's pretty (in fact, this dude doesn't even see her face before he's officially in love with her) What else are we basing this on? Her skills at selecting painfully nineties outfits including some kind of tank top with a lime green daisy on it?

Oh shit, Sabrina the Teenage Witch wants to get her yearbook signed by everyone? Couldn't she use some kind of spell for that? Actually, probably not. Her aunts would be like "Sorry, you can't trick people into doing things. You can only use magic for things that aren't of any actual use to you in real life. Thus making it clear that wishing to be a witch was a waste of time. Do you hear that, all 14-year-old girls? (Being a vampire would suck too, all puns aside)

Well, it just wouldn't be a 90s high school movie without Donald Faison and Breckin Myer. Don't know who those dudes are? I bet you do.

Someone needs to inform film makers that there is actually a market for writing female characters that have more depth than being like, the hottest girl ever. Basically, if a female character is written in a remotely realistic fashion, the best she will get is a pity lay (aka Seth Green).

Clearly Jennifer Love-Hewett is the fucking love interest. She's got that whole "girl next door" look to her. Yeah, if the girl next door got very expensive implants and some veneers. No, the "girl next door" look is bullshit. I think it really just means "brunette".

Seriously, can someone please confirm or deny the realism of women in 90s high school movies basically wearing bikini tops to parties? Was there a time when this was an acceptable alternative to... you know... clothes?

I bring your attention to all the cool guys and their respective girlfriends. The black dude and the black girl are together, obviously. You know, because it's 1965. However, the latino fellow is permitted to date a blonde girl and the Asian girl is allowed to bone whomever she pleases. Obviously I am unclear on the rules of film in the 90s. In all seriousness, does no one think it's fucked up that in 1998 that they couldn't have an interracial relationship in a film? Just sayin'. I thought William Shatner solved this problem in 1968 (nerd alert).

I also have to admit that this movie is full of the kind of people that I recognize from various roles but have no fucking clue who they are. They're the kind of people who got one line in a movie that did pretty well and then maybe got two lines in a movie that did terribly. Although Tara from Buffy is in it as an extra which is kinda cool if you're a major dork.

I keep forgetting that this main character guy exists. Maybe that's because I'm an asshole, but the greatest likelihood is because nobody cares about a whiny douche.  "I'm in love with a girl I don't know anything about." Who the fuck cares? I can't believe how much nobody cares that you're in love with Jennifer Love-Hewitt. You know what? I don't even care about Jennifer Love-Hewitt in this film either. "I got dumped by the hottest guy in school and now want to date a weird dude I don't know who sent me a creepy letter." They are by far and away the least interesting part of this narrative. I hope their relationship ends in a flaming car crash before they're able to reproduce.

According to this film, unless you're one of the popular, pretty, slutty girls, you're extremely cynical, fat and and completely insane. Touche, Can't Hardly Wait.

Just a heads up, high school students: if you find yourself having a heartfelt conversation with a stripper dressed as an angel in a diner parking lot at 2am, it is time to re-think your life and maybe like... go to a good university before you fuck up everything for some broad you've never actually talked to.

I gotta say, my personal favourite part of this movie has to be that fucking Jerry O'Connell plays Trip McNeely or, "A sexual icon" as the one dude says. Seriously. This is the same guy who played the "fat" kid in Stand By Me. Who knew he would grow up to be a teen heartthrob. The other kids from Stand By Me had their careers unfold pretty naturally. Wil Wheaton grew up to play a nerd on TV and Rivers Phoenix grew up to die in a nightclub bathroom from a drug overdose.

Keep an eye out for Jason Segel if you do watch this. If you don't know who that is, then maybe don't.

Why, movies, must you represent people falling in love as them having sex. We know the characters have finally acknowledged their feelings for each other because they've done the bone dance. Good lesson for societies youths. "If you want someone to know you love them, just have drunk sex and they'll know. Also, once you kiss someone and you slide down to kiss in a horizontal position, that means you've had sex. There are no steps between kissing and sex."

Shit, hearing the song Dammit by Blink 182 does make me smile. It reminds me of a time before I knew what the difference between good and shitty music was, and that was a good time for everyone.

Holy crap, the train station get-together? Really? "I love you so much I followed you to the train" "Well, I'm moving to _______" Real life "Oh, shit. Gotta go!" Movie "I'm coming with you so we can get married and have babies."

There are definitely some parts of this movie that are genuinely funny, but only if you ignore the entire main plot. If you pay too close attention to that your brains might melt out your ears and get all over the couch and then your mom would be mad that you made such a mess.