From Hell

This week, I bring you my take on From Hell or, as a good friend once put it, "The movie where Bilbo Baggins kills everyone."

I refuse to buy Heather Graham as a 19th century prostitute. She has far too many teeth. I get that Hollywood is incapable of having a protagonist that looks less than stunningly beautiful, but I really think they could've gone so far as to give her a couple of skin blemishes or something considering she sleeps on the street semi-frequently and is, you know, a prostitute. And all this in a time when even the well-off didn't have chemical peels to fix their unsightly, imperfect faces.

Hagrid is being kind of mean to Johnny Depp about his opium use. Does he not realise that without opium he would be unable to have his crime-solving visions?! How dare you rip him from his opium den just to show him a hooker with slashed-up lady bits. It's all extremely inconsiderate.

 There's this scene here where Jack the Ripper is getting ready to go out and do some ripping, but first he has himself a nice dinner. He is eating rare steak and drinking red wine and it's all very epic. Everyone knows that all sociopaths eat red, bloody meat and that sane, non-murdering folk eat their steaks well done and only drink water. You hear that? Ever eaten a steak anything less than medium-well? If you answered yes you are a sicko and I suggest you commit yourself immediately. Perhaps the fine gents in this film will help you out with a lobotomy. It is, after all, the best cure for any ailment from murderous tendencies all the way to anxiety and simple hysteria. Though, if hysteria is your problem, you should just have your doctor spray water at your crotch until you're cured. Or feed you Cornflakes.

Now, I hope you either have seen this or don't want to, because I'm about to straight up ruin this movie for everyone. Simply, I can't figure out how nobody considered this man as the killer. I mean, look at his hairdo! That is a murderer's hairdo if I've ever seen one. He might as well be wearing a pair of plastic devil horns.

You've gotta love that in film someone can just belittle a guard and they'll be like "Oh my God, please go into the office containing hundreds of confidential files completely unescorted! I'm sorry I suggested otherwise!" All he had to say was "Your boss told me to be here and he's going to be mad if you don't let me in." This is working on the same mentality as a kid who's parents have left him with a babysitter for the night. "My parents let me eat iced cream for dinner while smoking and doing intravenous drugs." Come on, now.

Has nobody told Inspector Abberline that falling for a whore is just about the worst idea possible? Didn't they teach that in school in the 1800s? Perhaps not. However, it is definitely inadvisable. Especially if her hair is a mysteriously impossible shade of red. Chances are she is a liar, or even worse, some kind of witch. That really wouldn't be good for business. You'd have to burn her at the stake and everything. That can all be very time consuming. It also doesn't really help if there's a big stone mason conspiracy to kill and mutilate her horribly.

 Now, another thing that deserves recognition, here, is the pair of muttonchops on this motherfucker. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why those ever went out of style. I call to you, all males with the ability to grow actual facial hair to bring back the mutton chop. If you all do it, you won't be weirdos. "But no woman would want me." you say? At first, this may be true. But eventually, the women will flock to those big clumps of hair on either side of your face. They're manly and rugged. They're like balls that you won't get arrested for displaying. Go forth and mutton chop!

So what this movie is trying to teach me is that if I do opium I can solve crimes? Essentially, it seems to me that if I were to start hanging out in opium dens, I could be kind of like a Victorian Batman. At least that's how it worked for Johnny Depp. I wonder where I could find an opium den in Canada in 2010. I suspect it would be a bit of a search. Especially since I refuse to go unless it's run by a man with a Fu Manchu.

Near the end, here, The Ripper cuts out a woman's heart and puts it in a kettle over the fire. I suppose he wanted a spot of tea before he went home to wash the gallons of blood off his person.

Well, the beloved Heather Graham has run off to live in the hills of Scotland with the child she borrowed from a lobotomized broad. I still think she was cooler when she was topless and rollerskating.

Overall, this movie's worth watching if you're into opium and lobotomies.

Chocolat

I found myself watching Chocolat because it was the most interesting thing on at 1am on a Friday night when all my friends are busy. I thought "Oh hey, I'm a chick and I'm drunk, this movie should be entertaining enough." The cover lead me to believe that Johnny Depp would be a prominent feature.

This movie disappointed in ways I was unprepared for. Mostly, this film is about a deeply religious, very set-in-its-ways French village in what I think is supposed to be the 1950s. Seriously, though, who the fuck knows? I mean, it's France. Those guys are like "What? It's been more than 20 minutes since the revolution? Ca ne me interesse pas."

For some reason, even though I know it's the only way they can make a film about France and release it in America, the France-esque setting mixed with a group of people speaking in American (and, for good measure a few English) accents is infuriating. I think this one broad is some kind of Eastern European. They like to throw in random French words to seem like it makes sense, but it really fucking doesn't. This film has the odd feeling of being dubbed from French without actually having been dubbed.

Anyway, I was like "Oh hey, at least Johnny Depp is in this, even if the plot sucks big, pseudo-French dick, there should be some eye candy or some such shit."| Uhhh... no. He doesn't show up until past the half-way mark, and when he does he is a classical-guitar playing vagabond with a ponytail. Yaaaaaaaay. and by "Yay" I mean "Ew, please shower and get a fucking haircut you disgusting beast"

Of course, far before that, the viewer has to deal with all kinds of various bullshit. You get your tired fish-out-of-water story when some bitch who saunters around Europe with her daughter born out of wedlock turn up in a super-religious town. We are all very surprised when she wins everyone - even the most disgruntled old woman - over with her delicious fucking chocolates. Oh, and by the way, that old woman has diabetes. Obviously she likes the chocolate-slinger, since she's the only one in town who will give her sugar.

Our beloved main character bitch who peddles chocolate also takes in a woman who's husband is abusing her (Her husband being portrayed by one of the Nihilists from The Big Lebowski) who miraculously starts to wear makeup after she's rescued.

Blah, blah, motherfucking blah, Johnny Depp and his band of gypsies turn up on a big boat and the big crew of haters in this town obviously start hating on them and being like "Heeey, you're different, please leave".

I haven't finished it yet, but my guess is that chocolate broad wins over all their hearts and minds with chocolate and maybe some bullshit speech about how all humans are created equal, whether they're sluts, chocolatiers or dirty dudes with ponytails.

Finished the film. Diabetes lady dies and ponytailz gets his boat lit on fire. Overcoming adversity is as easy as melting a pot of fucking refined cocoa beans. They did manage to forgo the big, preachy speech, but instead we we're handed something even more horrifying. One of the last scenes in this film shows the antagonist trashing the chocolate shop and accidentally getting a small piece in his mouth. He tastes how delicious it is, falls in love and starts rolling in the chocolate. I almost wish I were joking.

Moral of the story: Haters gonna hate, but give them chocolate and they might stop hating after they light your boat on fire even if they're nihilists.