Chocolat

I found myself watching Chocolat because it was the most interesting thing on at 1am on a Friday night when all my friends are busy. I thought "Oh hey, I'm a chick and I'm drunk, this movie should be entertaining enough." The cover lead me to believe that Johnny Depp would be a prominent feature.

This movie disappointed in ways I was unprepared for. Mostly, this film is about a deeply religious, very set-in-its-ways French village in what I think is supposed to be the 1950s. Seriously, though, who the fuck knows? I mean, it's France. Those guys are like "What? It's been more than 20 minutes since the revolution? Ca ne me interesse pas."

For some reason, even though I know it's the only way they can make a film about France and release it in America, the France-esque setting mixed with a group of people speaking in American (and, for good measure a few English) accents is infuriating. I think this one broad is some kind of Eastern European. They like to throw in random French words to seem like it makes sense, but it really fucking doesn't. This film has the odd feeling of being dubbed from French without actually having been dubbed.

Anyway, I was like "Oh hey, at least Johnny Depp is in this, even if the plot sucks big, pseudo-French dick, there should be some eye candy or some such shit."| Uhhh... no. He doesn't show up until past the half-way mark, and when he does he is a classical-guitar playing vagabond with a ponytail. Yaaaaaaaay. and by "Yay" I mean "Ew, please shower and get a fucking haircut you disgusting beast"

Of course, far before that, the viewer has to deal with all kinds of various bullshit. You get your tired fish-out-of-water story when some bitch who saunters around Europe with her daughter born out of wedlock turn up in a super-religious town. We are all very surprised when she wins everyone - even the most disgruntled old woman - over with her delicious fucking chocolates. Oh, and by the way, that old woman has diabetes. Obviously she likes the chocolate-slinger, since she's the only one in town who will give her sugar.

Our beloved main character bitch who peddles chocolate also takes in a woman who's husband is abusing her (Her husband being portrayed by one of the Nihilists from The Big Lebowski) who miraculously starts to wear makeup after she's rescued.

Blah, blah, motherfucking blah, Johnny Depp and his band of gypsies turn up on a big boat and the big crew of haters in this town obviously start hating on them and being like "Heeey, you're different, please leave".

I haven't finished it yet, but my guess is that chocolate broad wins over all their hearts and minds with chocolate and maybe some bullshit speech about how all humans are created equal, whether they're sluts, chocolatiers or dirty dudes with ponytails.

Finished the film. Diabetes lady dies and ponytailz gets his boat lit on fire. Overcoming adversity is as easy as melting a pot of fucking refined cocoa beans. They did manage to forgo the big, preachy speech, but instead we we're handed something even more horrifying. One of the last scenes in this film shows the antagonist trashing the chocolate shop and accidentally getting a small piece in his mouth. He tastes how delicious it is, falls in love and starts rolling in the chocolate. I almost wish I were joking.

Moral of the story: Haters gonna hate, but give them chocolate and they might stop hating after they light your boat on fire even if they're nihilists.