Devil

Tonight I'm going to watch the newest M. Night Shayamalan movie because nobody else in the world is going to. Seriously, I saw a trailer for this movie in theatres, and there was a collective groan from the audience when his name popped up. Pretty sad. I almost feel sorry for the guy and then I remember his high-end call girls and millions of dollars and his giant mansion probably keep him warm at night where I have to settle for a bottle of whiskey and a duvet I stole from my mother's house.
Once again I will do my best to write this so you can read it if you haven't seen this movie since there is no fucking reason to see it unless you write a comedy film blog.

Basically, it's all about 5 people trapped in an elevator together and, allegedly, one of them is the devil.

The first shot you see is of your obligatory, ominous, biblical quotation in a scaaaary font. Then, we have a song that is full of strings and timpani and all manner of scary instruments that have reminded you of the devil since that one part of Fantasia that you always made your mom fast forward. This lovely music is played over negative images of a city. Oh shit, those sure are scary. I'm glad I couldn't make those in MS Paint in under a minute.

So for those of you who missed out on seeing the trailer for this beast, the biggest name (unless you're big into The O.C.) in this is the guy who says "The Snozberries taste like Snozberries" in Super Troopers. Side note: he is also fucking Christina Hendricks. I wish I were kidding. This guy is assigned as the scapegoat right off since he's ugly. Naturally, he's the first to die.

They give some bullshit science excuse for why the lights keep randomly going out in the elevator, but obviously it's a plot device. "How can we have people abusing each other in an elevator and not make it clear who perpetrated it?" "Let's shut the lights off." "Nobody will buy that." "We'll list M. Night as a producer." "PERFECT!"

The opening of this film is narrated by this Latino guy who turns out to be in charge of security or some shit in the building that houses the elevator from hell. Anyway, once he sees the elevator madness, he is the one who tells us that obviously the devil himself is at work here. How does he prove this theory? He picks up a piece of toast with jam and throws it in the air. It lands jam side down. Sir, even if you have an extremely basic understanding of science you can realize that the side with the jam on it is heavier and, subsequently, will land first. Fuck, I think I figured that out on my own when I was like 8 and someone asked why bread always lands jam-side-down. I guess if you're dumb enough to pay money to see this, you have a similar IQ to an 8-year-old. I think people would take this guy more seriously if he were an older, English fellow with a tweed jacket, glasses and a leather-bound book.

The... protagonist(?) I guess that's what we'll call him, of this film is a cop (obviously) who's investigating the elevator murder. The man has a devastating past that we are reminded of twice before even approaching the halfway point of the movie. "Here's why I don't believe in the devil: people are dicks and my life is hard."

Good lord, it seems the reason they've all been chosen to be in this elevator is because they're all evil and they need to be punished. I'm sure there's a porno out there with a similar premise.

One of the big, important security guys goes downstairs to find out what's causing the elevator to be stuck and he finds a high voltage wire has been disconnected. In lieu of finding some kind of professional in the field of high voltage wires, he attempts to pick it up with a stick. What he was planning on doing with it afterward remains a mystery to me, but obviously he's too busy being intensely electrocuted for us to find out. I'm sure he'll live even though that makes no sense.

Now they're trying to tell me that this whole thing is a metaphor for our own problems. If you take responsibility for the bad things you've done, everything will be okay. Please, M. Night, take responsibility for raping people's minds so that you can afford another Bugatti.

The "twist" ending of this makes you groan as much as the audience when I first saw the trailer for it. I won't tell you what it is in case you're dumb enough to see it, but lemme tell you, it's fucking horrible. Not an "Oh wow! That totally makes sense!" Much more of an "Oh, that's how they're going to get around that." If you want to be a writer you should see this movie just so you can see what not to do. It's really eye-rollingly awful. (If you really want to know what it is but don't want to see the movie, shoot me an email and I'll tell you.)

So basically this movie was everything I'd expected and even less. I wouldn't suggest watching it unless you enjoy shitty, shitty films. Here's hoping someone locks M. Night Shayamalan in an elevator before he gets a chance to make anything else.

Bee Movie

I usually try to pick movies that a person with a similar sense of humour to my own would either have seen or have no desire to see. I watch the shitty movies so you don't have to. This is dedication. Tonight's feature is, unfortunately for my mental health, one of the latter.

I can't decide who I'm more disappointed in: Jerry Seinfeld or whomever decided it was a good idea to cast Jerry Seinfeld as a CGI bee.

It's only the pre-movie advertisement that's supposed to make me want to watch the movie and I'm already sick of bee-related puns. I can't bee-lieve this. I promise that's the last one I'll make. Not the last one I'll be horrified by, though, I'm sure. Somehow they just made a pun about "Pomp and Circumstance" What. The. Fuck. I'm going to bee sick. AAAAAAH! It's contagious!

I need to get this out of the way quickly in order to satisfy my need to have a nerd attack: all worker bees are female. All of them. Look it up. Male bees are "Drones" and they're basically living sperm factories. However, so far in this movie, the only female bees we've seen are Jerry Seinfeld's mother and a tour guide. Oh no, now there are two giggly sluts who are turned on by pollen. Fuck you, writers! How could you betray us with something so unrealistic! Luckily, they kept in the fact that bees drive tiny cars around the hive and totally wear clothes as long as they're yellow and black.

So Seinfeld bee leaves the hive even though he's not supposed to and falls in love with a woman. Bee. Love. Woman. For the love of fuck, really? Inter... not just species... we're talking fucking inter-phyla relationships. If you have issues with inter-racial relationships, don't see this movie. I'm not against people being happy and in love, but I'm not sure I can get behind this relationship. Even if you completely disregard all the issues with internal organs and exoskeletons, size itself is a major problem. And on top of all this shit, the crazy broad seems to be falling for him, too. "Well, I went on a couple dates with this guy and I think we're hitting it off" "Oh really? Where does he live?" "A hive, because he's a fucking BEE!!!!" Clearly this movie is trying to perpetuate our standard, Hollywood "Love conquers all" tripe. Love doesn't conquer all. Especially if one of you has ten thousand times the life expectancy and body mass.

Additionally, does nobody else question the fact that this woman is talking to a bee? At first she's all like "Clearly I'm dreaming" but then she realizes she isn't but is like "Well, if I'm not dreaming, that's fine. I'm clearly just talking to a bee" and fucking moves on with it as if it's no big deal. I like living in a fantasy world as much as the next person, but this is just out of control.

Also, how loudly are bees talking to each other if their normal, indoor voices are the same with one another as they are when speaking to a human thousands of times their size? Perhaps this concerns me slightly more than it should.

There is a brand of honey in this film called "Ray Liotta Honey" and I find this humourous and so should you.

My pathetic drunk self was actually sad when the main bee's best friend stung a guy. I audibly shouted "Oh no!" I was concerned he would die. But, through ludicrous film magic, despite stinging a fat man in the butt, he survived because he obtained intravenous honey in the human hospital where he was staying. I get that honey is very important for bees, but I'm pretty sure if you pumped it into their circulatory system it would not go well. Though, I do admit I'm not some kind of bee doctor.

You may have noticed that I have been deliberately avoiding the plot of this film. Why? Because I enjoy the fact that you are reading my blog and I want you to be happy. I am giving you only the parts of this movie that are worth seeing and, let me tell you, the plot is not one of those things.

Now, don't get me wrong, I really like Jerry Seinfeld. Seinfeld is, arguably, the best show ever made. Having said that, the man is by no means an actor. The reason he does such excellent comedic work is because he is not a very good actor. Hearing Jerry Seinfeld deliver a "heartwarming speech" definitely leaves something to be desired. His voice is not suited to the obligatory epic speech that accompanies any movie with half-assed writing. It is far more suited to tangents about low talkers and inferior bobka.

Well, that's it for Bee Movie. It definitely wasn't the worst thing I've seen so far, but if you happen to be flipping channels one night and there are children about and it's either this or Santa Buddies, I'd definitely recommend this one. You may laugh more than once at something other than the irony that you used to want to be a veterinarian.

Oh, and I can't really find anywhere to put this, but I feel like it's totally relevant.

Face/Off

A film where John Travolta and Nicolas Cage trade identities by literally swapping their faces is one that deserves being made fun of endlessly.

This movie begins with slo-mo and close-ups of John Travolta on a carousel and Nicolas Cage drinking from a straw with a comical moustache. As someone trying to write in the comedy genre, it is important to note that there are some times in life when there is nothing you can write that will ever be as funny as when someone else tries to write something serious and fails miserably. This entire movie is the perfect example of this phenomenon.

For example, Nicolas Cage has just planted a large bomb and is now -- I shit you not -- dancing provocatively in a priest's robe. His character is definitely one of the most over-the-top movie villains I've ever seen and that can be based solely on these sunglasses.

The amount of slo-mo in the movie alone deserves an entire entry. I've been watching it for 15 minutes and there have already been two separate and unrelated slow motion gunfights. I am beginning to believe this movie was made in normal speed and they were like "Shit, it's only 25 minutes long. What do we do?" "Make it 90% slow motion?" "GENIUS!" That guy got promoted to "Dude who brings the coffee and doesn't get spit on."

God damn, John Travolta's daughter is some kind of delinquent (aka. a teen). That's why he's such an emotional wreck that he has stubble and his tie is loosened. I mean, the girl as a nose ring and wears eyeliner for Christ's sake. If that we're my kid, I'd drive my car into a landmine factory.

At long last it is face-switchin' time. Did anyone casting this movie look at the shapes of Nicolas Cage and John Travolta's craniums? They are completely differently shaped. This is not just a certain amount of facial fat, this is a completely different facial structure. The explanations of the science behind how it's all possible are ludicrous to the point of absolute hilarity. "We'll give you plastic surgery and affix his face to your face" Okay, here's the thing: this is what a person with a full-face transplant looks like after months of healing. This is what "John Travolta" looked like after the face-swapping montage was over. Keep in mind this movie also came out over a decade ago. I have to say, if you don't yet have the scientific advancements to make a realistic-looking CGI laser, then you likely don't have access to the medical science required to keep John Travolta's face in a jar while he's out test-driving another one. I guess maybe this could be possible if the FBI has secret medical techniques that they're hiding from the public; so long the surgeon is the big man himself (Gandalf)  and their new, fancy drugs are made of ground up leprechauns and unicorn semen.

There have been films in which I have considered Nicolas Cage and John Travolta to be good actors. This is not one of those. The amount of over-acting involved in every single scene makes me want to cry with laughter and then immediately call all acting schools in the surrounding area and suggest this as a "what not to do" video.

Having said that, I am partial to any movie that contains the phrase "sex sandwich".

Also, I do genuinely enjoy how much Travolta makes fun of his own appearance. The man's famed chin dimple is referenced specifically at one point; being referred to as "This ridiculous chin."

To those who watch True Blood: Andy Bellefleur is in this movie; but it's before he went bald.
I've come to the realization that if you watch any movie from the late 90s, you'll find it to be choc-full of people you know from current TV shows. Don't believe me? Hyde from That 70s Show has a brief role as a dude who tries to rape Travolta's daughter.

One of the climactic scenes of this shit show is a like... 7-man Mexican standoff in the middle or a church. If the action film you've been writing in your basement on your mom's computer has anything less, you're a pussy. Though there's a pretty good chance of that being the case anyway.

Please do not forget that this film includes a speedboat gunfight. Yes, actually. These two lifelong rivals who have switched faces chase each other down in speedboats and attempt to kill one another from their respective water crafts. There are so many flaming explosions, you would think you were watching Nascar. At one point, one of them tries to kill the other one with the anchor of the boat. Seriously, find me another movie with an attempted anchor killing, and I will buy it on DVD (disclaimer: I probably won't). This fight scene also includes a harpoon gun. What the fuck do you need a harpoon gun for in Los Angeles?! You do not. You also have to appreciate that the day is won by giving the antagonist a swift kick in the balls. I think we could all learn a lesson from this film: the best way to thwart a criminal mastermind who is wearing your face is the same way to win $10,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos.

"Hey, JT, by the way, we can make you look totally the same as before you slapped on N Dogg's face and got in an anchor fight with an evil drug lord." Oh thanks, magic/science. Where the fuck would we be without you? We definitely wouldn't be having this adorable, soft-focus scene where they show us that even though bad things happened, everything is okay. So okay that John Travolta's daughter takes out her giant nose ring and starts dressing like a normal person. It's about fucking time. Her individuality was beginning to grate on my nerves.

In conclusion, I believe that this photo summarizes this film in a way that no review ever could: