Devil

Tonight I'm going to watch the newest M. Night Shayamalan movie because nobody else in the world is going to. Seriously, I saw a trailer for this movie in theatres, and there was a collective groan from the audience when his name popped up. Pretty sad. I almost feel sorry for the guy and then I remember his high-end call girls and millions of dollars and his giant mansion probably keep him warm at night where I have to settle for a bottle of whiskey and a duvet I stole from my mother's house.
Once again I will do my best to write this so you can read it if you haven't seen this movie since there is no fucking reason to see it unless you write a comedy film blog.

Basically, it's all about 5 people trapped in an elevator together and, allegedly, one of them is the devil.

The first shot you see is of your obligatory, ominous, biblical quotation in a scaaaary font. Then, we have a song that is full of strings and timpani and all manner of scary instruments that have reminded you of the devil since that one part of Fantasia that you always made your mom fast forward. This lovely music is played over negative images of a city. Oh shit, those sure are scary. I'm glad I couldn't make those in MS Paint in under a minute.

So for those of you who missed out on seeing the trailer for this beast, the biggest name (unless you're big into The O.C.) in this is the guy who says "The Snozberries taste like Snozberries" in Super Troopers. Side note: he is also fucking Christina Hendricks. I wish I were kidding. This guy is assigned as the scapegoat right off since he's ugly. Naturally, he's the first to die.

They give some bullshit science excuse for why the lights keep randomly going out in the elevator, but obviously it's a plot device. "How can we have people abusing each other in an elevator and not make it clear who perpetrated it?" "Let's shut the lights off." "Nobody will buy that." "We'll list M. Night as a producer." "PERFECT!"

The opening of this film is narrated by this Latino guy who turns out to be in charge of security or some shit in the building that houses the elevator from hell. Anyway, once he sees the elevator madness, he is the one who tells us that obviously the devil himself is at work here. How does he prove this theory? He picks up a piece of toast with jam and throws it in the air. It lands jam side down. Sir, even if you have an extremely basic understanding of science you can realize that the side with the jam on it is heavier and, subsequently, will land first. Fuck, I think I figured that out on my own when I was like 8 and someone asked why bread always lands jam-side-down. I guess if you're dumb enough to pay money to see this, you have a similar IQ to an 8-year-old. I think people would take this guy more seriously if he were an older, English fellow with a tweed jacket, glasses and a leather-bound book.

The... protagonist(?) I guess that's what we'll call him, of this film is a cop (obviously) who's investigating the elevator murder. The man has a devastating past that we are reminded of twice before even approaching the halfway point of the movie. "Here's why I don't believe in the devil: people are dicks and my life is hard."

Good lord, it seems the reason they've all been chosen to be in this elevator is because they're all evil and they need to be punished. I'm sure there's a porno out there with a similar premise.

One of the big, important security guys goes downstairs to find out what's causing the elevator to be stuck and he finds a high voltage wire has been disconnected. In lieu of finding some kind of professional in the field of high voltage wires, he attempts to pick it up with a stick. What he was planning on doing with it afterward remains a mystery to me, but obviously he's too busy being intensely electrocuted for us to find out. I'm sure he'll live even though that makes no sense.

Now they're trying to tell me that this whole thing is a metaphor for our own problems. If you take responsibility for the bad things you've done, everything will be okay. Please, M. Night, take responsibility for raping people's minds so that you can afford another Bugatti.

The "twist" ending of this makes you groan as much as the audience when I first saw the trailer for it. I won't tell you what it is in case you're dumb enough to see it, but lemme tell you, it's fucking horrible. Not an "Oh wow! That totally makes sense!" Much more of an "Oh, that's how they're going to get around that." If you want to be a writer you should see this movie just so you can see what not to do. It's really eye-rollingly awful. (If you really want to know what it is but don't want to see the movie, shoot me an email and I'll tell you.)

So basically this movie was everything I'd expected and even less. I wouldn't suggest watching it unless you enjoy shitty, shitty films. Here's hoping someone locks M. Night Shayamalan in an elevator before he gets a chance to make anything else.