Clip Show: Tremors/Cars/Panic Room/Blade Runner

Alright, so since it's freaking Christmas and I'm busy as hell, I bring you the four unfinished reviews that I've done since I began the blog. They didn't get finished for a variety of reasons; from lack of material to passing out face-first into my keyboard and waking up watching an infomercial with "ASDFG" on my face. So here they are in all their imperfect glory. We'll be back to real entries soon enough. Italics represent Sober Morgon.

Tremors

Kevin Bacon and some dude who totally look like Edward James Olmos are... I don't even fucking know what... like handymen or some shit. It seems to me they're payed to argue and drive around the American desert and generally be country hicks. You can tell because they're wearing denim shirts with the sleeves ripped off and dirty cowboy hats. Some poor props person probably had to rip sleeves off like 30 jean shirts just for Kevin Bacon. I hope film school was worth it.

Some woman from "the university" comes to the tiny hick town to take seismic readings. "The seismic readings are off the charts!" says this broad. Off screen, Kevin Bacon and the other hicks are looking at each other and going "What the fuck does 'seismic' mean?"

How Kevin Bacon got famous with a mug like that, I'll never understand. I guess he was a good dancer or whatever, but he just... is unappealing. Please, feel free to disagree, 45-year-old women, but I find him particularly grotesque when he's got long hair (IE. Often). Look! It's pre-pubescent Skeletor!

I think I would've actually enjoyed this film if I'd actually finished it. It seemed to be a sort of "so bad it's funny" sort of things, but one of the ones that knows it's bad, if that makes sense.

Cars

At the moment, I am unable to get into how many things are logistically impossible in a world where everyone is a car. This first scene, alone, brings up a mess of questions. How did all these cars get into their "seats" to watch this race? ... for example.

In this world, they have restaurants. What do they serve in these restaurants? Oil? Gasoline? Uhh... oil? What the fuck is the point?

Even in a world made of cars, fat chicks are hated on. Got to love it.

This concept of one car being sexually attracted to another car confuses me. In this world, sex does not exist. How do they do anything that is remotely equivalent to sex? My guess is that they don't. I'm sure they're trying to give us some bullshit like that it's love, not sex, but he's like "Hey, you're sooo hot. You have a tramp stamp. Whaaaat?!" They are assembled in factories. Factories that are somehow owned and operated by cars? That's creepy as shit!

I am genuinely interested to know how a car becomes an attourney.  Seriously. What do car law schools look like? For that matter, what do car SCHOOLS look like? Are all jobs covered like in humanity? I guess mechanic and doctor are the same thing, although that makes me uncomfortable. Are you assembled as a racing star? I find all of this deeply confusing.

WHY do these cars have teeth and tongues?!

Where does he keep his car wallet so that he can aid the economy of this ghost town?

Why are there seats in cars that drive themselves? Also, these cars drive themselves?

Why is it that tractors and threshers are cows, but forklifts and helicopters are people (cars)?

While we're on the subject of helicopters, I think the concept of one person climbing inside another and going for a ride is beyond weird. (I think here I was trying to talk about the truck that the main character rides around in, though... lord knows.)

I ended this review because, as you can see, it became entirely about the logistics of a car society. I really could've gone on about this for hours. The whole thing blows my mind hole.


Panic Room

Saw this motherfucker was on and deemed it the perfect target. Jared Leto with cornrows? I can't go wrong!
 
Forest Whittaker, you are far too good an actor to be in this monstrosity... even if you do look kinda like Admiral Akbar. (I'm sorry, I do actually respect your acting skill, not that you're reading this.)

Obviously, it is an older, English fellow who tells us all about the panic room. "This is a panic room. It stops burglars from stabbing you in the jugular" Typical Horror/Thriller BS. You've always got to have the middle aged English dude telling you the 'lore of story. Thanks for setting up that Jodi Foster is claustrophobic, though. I'm sure that won't come back later in the story.

If you've actually seen this madness, you will note the ludicrous number of CGI zoom-ins they do. It's like "Burglars are in the house, zoom through the kitchen" "There's a thick concrete wall, zoom through the wall." Ever seen CSI? You've seen this movie. Clearly they were excited about the new and exciting world of computer animation. You know, because nobody had done computer animation before 2002.

There is soooo much of Jodi Foster's cleavage in this movie. Admittedly, she's supposed to have just gotten out of bed, but I venture to guess a woman of her age would've worn slightly more clothing to bed. Is Jodi Foster a sex symbol? Am I missing something? She reminds me of a 16-year-old boy.

Also, the bitch from Twilight is in this. She is the fucking daughter. Who knew? In this film, instead of playing a girl with serious emotional problems due to being in love with the undead, she's just a lesbian.

I admit this film might actually be a bit nerve wracking if it weren't for the fact that they keep shoving Jodi Foster's tits in my face all the time and doing these weird, slo-mo CGI montages.

I'm really supposed to believe that some woman who grew up in Greenwich Village knows how to rewire a phone? Yes, apparently I am. Okay, this bitch grabs the phone cord out of the wall, strips some wires and just jams them into the phone and it's able to make calls. I can't even get into how little sense that makes.

Alright cool, so the kid is diabetic or some shit and also afraid of the dark. I might be tricked into thinking this didn't bode well for them, but the sympathy vote is always a lifesaver in shit movies. If it were the real world, things would certainly be different.

Then I fell asleep. That's what happens when you try to do a review of a movie after you get home from a party and are full of liquor. 

Blade Runner

Unlike most of my reviews, I am going in this completely fresh-faced. I haven't seen more than 30 seconds of this film before, but have heard much about it. I've actually wanted to see it for quite some time, but instead I've opted for the route of making wise cracks at the film's production in lieu of just enjoying it for all its legitimate merits.

The people in this world seem to use umbrellas that are the sad off-casts of the light saber factory. Good thing Han solo is there to keep an eye on everyone.

Interesting note (at least, it's interesting if you're a major dweeb): in this film derogatorily refer to human-looking robots as "skin jobs" which is the same terminology they use in the re-make of Battlestar Galactica. Allegedly, this is an homage to the original film since Edward James Olmos is in there somewhere. Just so you know, if you found that interesting, you're a dork.

I really was under the impression that Harrison Ford was a acceptably good actor (You know, after being Han Solo and all) but this movie has proved me horribly wrong. The man narrates quite a bit of the film in a sort of deadpan that would lead you to believe he was more likely to be a robot than a robot killer. Oh no, perhaps that will be the final, shocking  piece of information. "Harrison Ford is a robot." Han Solo is C3PO, everyone. Kindly adjust your strange fantasies accordingly.

Hey, robot dudes! It is really not very polite to force-ably strip Mr.Miyagi! The poor man is just trying to look at eyeballs with a microscope using chopsticks! (This is a real scene that happens) I have no idea what I'm talking about here, but it seems entertaining so I'll leave it in.

I'm guessing this is supposed to be one of those existential films since there's a robot girl who doesn't know she's a robot. "but man, what if, like, we're ALL robots and we don't even know it?" "Whoooaaa that's so deep..." everything's deep when you're so high you're at risk of being struck by a 747.

and once again I fell asleep. I guess that means I'm not a robot.

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There we go. I hope you enjoyed (or at least didn't totally fucking despise) Our special "Morgon is too busy to write a real review" edition of Drunk Morgon's Film Blog. I hope you had a grand celebration of whichever winter holiday you choose or are forced to celebrate.