Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

In honour of the holidays, I believe it's time for me to poke fun at a film that has been delighting children for generations. 
If anyone can desecrate a Christmas classic with booze and inappropriate jokes, it's me. Or, perhaps, your uncle after mainlining egg nog since 2 pm.

I threw the "1947" there in the title so you wouldn't think I was talking about the one starring Matilda.

Our feature begins with a fellow who clearly is under the impression that he is Santa Claus. He turns up at the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade and finds the fake, float Santa to be all liquored up. He finds this to be absolutely despicable. Sorry Santa. S'pose I'm not much better. Good thing I already don't believe in you and am therefore going to hell... er... not get fancy gifts.

It is unbelievably clear right from the get-go that this movie is 60+ years old and this is even if you disregard the ethnicity of the housekeeper. The first time you meet the little girl, she's over at a strange man's house who brought her over there because "he's very fond of her". Whooooaaaa, hold the phone, Mr.Gailey, and please stop touching that little girl's arm while she's alone in your apartment.

Also, this movie is all about the commercialization of Christmas and about how it's no longer about Santa and instead it's about money. Funny, I thought it was supposed to be about the birth of like... some guy or something. Good thing this guy hasn't seen 2010 and a generation of 10-year-olds throwing fits over getting 2GB iPods when they wanted 8GB.

As a child I always thought people in the times of black and white movies just generally sounded the same. I'm guessing it's some kind of thing to do with the  recording technology at the time, but I find that there are 3 or 4 different voices for each sex and 4 for children, but after that it doesn't vary much. Every single female secondary character in this movie seems to be from Queens and also speaks directly through her nose at all times.

I understand that this woman wants her daughter to be smart and well-adjusted and doesn't want to lie to her or whatever, but telling your kid there's no Santa is just downright immoral, if you ask me. I am down for not lying to children, but when your 8-year-old goes to school and tells all her friends Santa Claus isn't real, she's going to be a pariah and you're going to be an asshole. "Mommyyyy! All the other kids threw stones at me!" "It's okay dear, they're all just misinformed." The good news is, this girl can grow up to be perfectly suited for sitting at a desk doing data entry or, if she's lucky, crushing the dreams of the innocent.

Once again, this woman is leaving her young daughter alone with a man she barely knows. Only this time, instead of being a handsome and wealthy young bachelor, it is a 70+ man with a beard who is still unmarried (which, in 1947, was kind of a big deal) and this time they're hanging out alone in her bedroom with the door shut. Admittedly, this is the same little girl who frequently chews gum in bed. Parenting 101: don't do anything that happens in the original Miracle on 34th Street.

I am fascinated by the concept that parents took their children to see this in 1947. I guarantee you could not get a kid of the 2000s to sit through this movie for all the Nintendo Wiis in the world. I'm not going to lie, I'm having a hard time paying attention and I'm not 6 (though I do have a similar attention span). Last time I tried to watch this movie I'm pretty sure I passed out as soon as the trial started. Seriously, a huge portion of this movie takes place in a courtroom. If you tried to pitch that for a kids' film now, you'd be laughed right out of the office. "But.. Children love drawn-out legal battles!" "SECURITY!!!"

Clearly whomever wrote this was from New York City. Not only is Santa Claus (like, the official, worldwide one) an American, he's a god damned New Yorker. A little self-centered, wouldn't you say?  Isn't he supposed to live in the North Pole, not a retirement home in the outskirts of New York City? Although, if you follow that logic, the man is obviously Canadian. That could be me being equally nationalistic.

All in all, even if you're a major Christmas hater, this movie's pretty solid. This film does have some actual, genuine wit. I wouldn't attempt to watch this with kids unless you want them to start playing Hungry Hungry Hippos in the middle of it. From an adult perspective this is a definite recommend. Merry Christmas, motherfuckers, and sorry I left out anyone reading this who doesn't do the whole Christmas thing. Enjoy your latkes.