Face/Off

A film where John Travolta and Nicolas Cage trade identities by literally swapping their faces is one that deserves being made fun of endlessly.

This movie begins with slo-mo and close-ups of John Travolta on a carousel and Nicolas Cage drinking from a straw with a comical moustache. As someone trying to write in the comedy genre, it is important to note that there are some times in life when there is nothing you can write that will ever be as funny as when someone else tries to write something serious and fails miserably. This entire movie is the perfect example of this phenomenon.

For example, Nicolas Cage has just planted a large bomb and is now -- I shit you not -- dancing provocatively in a priest's robe. His character is definitely one of the most over-the-top movie villains I've ever seen and that can be based solely on these sunglasses.

The amount of slo-mo in the movie alone deserves an entire entry. I've been watching it for 15 minutes and there have already been two separate and unrelated slow motion gunfights. I am beginning to believe this movie was made in normal speed and they were like "Shit, it's only 25 minutes long. What do we do?" "Make it 90% slow motion?" "GENIUS!" That guy got promoted to "Dude who brings the coffee and doesn't get spit on."

God damn, John Travolta's daughter is some kind of delinquent (aka. a teen). That's why he's such an emotional wreck that he has stubble and his tie is loosened. I mean, the girl as a nose ring and wears eyeliner for Christ's sake. If that we're my kid, I'd drive my car into a landmine factory.

At long last it is face-switchin' time. Did anyone casting this movie look at the shapes of Nicolas Cage and John Travolta's craniums? They are completely differently shaped. This is not just a certain amount of facial fat, this is a completely different facial structure. The explanations of the science behind how it's all possible are ludicrous to the point of absolute hilarity. "We'll give you plastic surgery and affix his face to your face" Okay, here's the thing: this is what a person with a full-face transplant looks like after months of healing. This is what "John Travolta" looked like after the face-swapping montage was over. Keep in mind this movie also came out over a decade ago. I have to say, if you don't yet have the scientific advancements to make a realistic-looking CGI laser, then you likely don't have access to the medical science required to keep John Travolta's face in a jar while he's out test-driving another one. I guess maybe this could be possible if the FBI has secret medical techniques that they're hiding from the public; so long the surgeon is the big man himself (Gandalf)  and their new, fancy drugs are made of ground up leprechauns and unicorn semen.

There have been films in which I have considered Nicolas Cage and John Travolta to be good actors. This is not one of those. The amount of over-acting involved in every single scene makes me want to cry with laughter and then immediately call all acting schools in the surrounding area and suggest this as a "what not to do" video.

Having said that, I am partial to any movie that contains the phrase "sex sandwich".

Also, I do genuinely enjoy how much Travolta makes fun of his own appearance. The man's famed chin dimple is referenced specifically at one point; being referred to as "This ridiculous chin."

To those who watch True Blood: Andy Bellefleur is in this movie; but it's before he went bald.
I've come to the realization that if you watch any movie from the late 90s, you'll find it to be choc-full of people you know from current TV shows. Don't believe me? Hyde from That 70s Show has a brief role as a dude who tries to rape Travolta's daughter.

One of the climactic scenes of this shit show is a like... 7-man Mexican standoff in the middle or a church. If the action film you've been writing in your basement on your mom's computer has anything less, you're a pussy. Though there's a pretty good chance of that being the case anyway.

Please do not forget that this film includes a speedboat gunfight. Yes, actually. These two lifelong rivals who have switched faces chase each other down in speedboats and attempt to kill one another from their respective water crafts. There are so many flaming explosions, you would think you were watching Nascar. At one point, one of them tries to kill the other one with the anchor of the boat. Seriously, find me another movie with an attempted anchor killing, and I will buy it on DVD (disclaimer: I probably won't). This fight scene also includes a harpoon gun. What the fuck do you need a harpoon gun for in Los Angeles?! You do not. You also have to appreciate that the day is won by giving the antagonist a swift kick in the balls. I think we could all learn a lesson from this film: the best way to thwart a criminal mastermind who is wearing your face is the same way to win $10,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos.

"Hey, JT, by the way, we can make you look totally the same as before you slapped on N Dogg's face and got in an anchor fight with an evil drug lord." Oh thanks, magic/science. Where the fuck would we be without you? We definitely wouldn't be having this adorable, soft-focus scene where they show us that even though bad things happened, everything is okay. So okay that John Travolta's daughter takes out her giant nose ring and starts dressing like a normal person. It's about fucking time. Her individuality was beginning to grate on my nerves.

In conclusion, I believe that this photo summarizes this film in a way that no review ever could:

300

Any movie that begins with a man in a diaper-looking thing and ritual animal slaughter deserves recognition.

I think that considering the climate of these opening scenes, it would be wise for these fellows to attire themselves a bit more. Sure, this one guy is wearing the pelt of whatever that fucking mountain lion/wolf thing was that he just killed, but other than that he's not wearing anything but some kind of primitive Speedo. This strikes me as an inefficient method of maintaining warmth.

Don't get me wrong, as a heterosexual woman, I appreciate a man with a nice body. On the other hand, I find the number of half CGI and half makeup abs in this film borderline terrifying. I also feel like wearing some undies and a cape might not be the wisest for battle. Like, wouldn't that facilitate being pierced by a spear or sword or whatever the fuck? Especially in a time where the medical care was so minimal that a scratch could result in death by infection. "Well, he didn't STAB me, but his sword touched my bare chest and now I'm dying of sepsis. Shit happens." Make some fucking leather chest-covers you ass trees. I will accept neither ignorance nor pride as excuses.

It seems to me that, in this film in general, pride is taken over practicality, "Do you want to wear ox skulls on our heads? We won't be able to see, but we will look fucking BAD ASS. We'll probably die." "Yep. Let's do that for sure." or "I plan to wear a helmet, shin and wrist guards, but I plan on leaving all my fleshy bits that contain my vital organs completely exposed." "Well, obviously. How else would we know you're manly and intense?"

Before I started watching this, I assumed "THIS IS SPARTA!" would be waaaaaaay in there somewhere. 14 minutes in and I've already seen it. Should I stop watching now? I won't just so I can finish the review. The things I do for you people. I do, however, really enjoy that he yelled that and then kicked a man into an apparently bottomless pit. You know, one that he just has in his city and that everyone walks by on a regular day. Thanks for keeping your citizens safe, king.

I know Gerard Butler is a Scot, but (correct me if I'm wrong, here.) King Leonidas was not. I think he was a Greek. Right? So why does the "THIS IS SPARTA" ring so heavily of "They may tak our lieves but they may never tak OUR FREEDOM!!!" (For a bonus laugh, please read the description of that video)? I'm not expecting the man to speak in Ancient Greek, but when he rolls his R's I just - holy shit he's naked.

"I'm sitting next to you in the nude watching you sleep." Fair enough, Gerard Butler. I guess in ancient Greece that wasn't weird since this broad seems to be down with it. Oh, she's your wife? Okay, so now it's time for a slo-mo, black-and-white, awkwardly-edited sex scene involving a wind machine. I guess everyone had a wind machine back then to make their sex seem more epic. Though I imagine they were slave-powered.

I feel that it is now time for me to address King Leonidas's... whatever the fuck you call it... rat tail... thing. The man has a tiny braid at the back of his hair. It appears to wrap around the entirety of his head like a combination awkward rat rail and headband. In most lighting, it just looks like he is a Padawan. And here I was thinking that rat rails were only acceptable in the early 1990s. According to this film it was also acceptable in the 480s BC (Before Coiffure).

Speaking of ugly, we have this Ephialtes individual who looks like a very unfortunate pairing of Quasimodo and Gollum. The poor asshole is like "I know I am hideous and everyone hates me, but I want to join you in battle regardless. It can't help to have one more guy, right?" and Gerard Butler is basically like "Go fuck yourself, cripple". Nice. For me, though, I am imagining the casting of this particular fellow. He's heard about 300 and is super excited to go out for the role since he knows they're only hiring extremely good-looking male actors. He gets a call-back and is thrilled. "You're going to be a secondary character" they tell him. Everything is coming up roses for this poor bastard and all of a sudden: "Oh, by the way, you're playing the pathetic, deformed hunchback who isn't even good enough to die in battle." At that point do you just call your parents and say you didn't get the part? Or do you make up some bullshit about how it requires lots of acting talent to make up for the fact that you're unrecognizable and you don't get your own set of CGI abs. I would select the third option: quit acting and get a real job.

I'm curious, during this time period and in this town, were women and children only allowed to wear whatever they could tie together from some rags and maybe a belt? The women look like they're at a sorority toga party (Only one where everyone's rolled in the dirt beforehand) and the children look like tiny sumo wrestlers (who have similarly rolled in dirt).

Isn't this supposed to be a real battle? Like one that took place in life? Why are they fighting terrifying giant-type creatures? Also, what is this obese creature with the scythes for arms and the nipples rings (other than the star of my nightmares, of course)? I have stopped assuming this is supposed to be remotely realistic as I have seen a goat-man.

I don't totally comprehend the politics taking place in this courtroom scene, but I do know one thing: stabbing a man in front of a jury of your peers in current times is grounds for some pretty serious penalties. In this film, there is a chant of "traitor" which I think is the current equivalent of "You are a poo-poo head".

I also can't get over how white all their teeth are. Perhaps this is something petty to notice, but I am SURE that in 480 BC they didn't have our current standards for teeth whitening. Or like... toothbrushes. Leonidas clearly has veneers. This is an outrage.

It seems to me I might've missed out on some major plot points, but overall this movie is entertaining if you are either female or not susceptible to body-image inferiority.