What Happens in Vegas

If Cameron Diaz is playing a stock broker, it's pretty safe to assume you're not about to watch a masterpiece. However, outrageous character careers aside, I was not prepared for just how bad this was going to be.

I have to ask: was Cameron Diaz always this weird-looking? I thought she was good-looking, but in this movie she looks like she was crafted from cheap leather stretched over the skeleton of a bird of prey and covered with latex paint.

So anyway, Cameron Diaz is left by her boyfriend or fiance or what fucking ever, and Ashton Kutcher clearly has a gambling problem so they both go to Vegas to (presumably) meet each other in some extremely unlikely circumstance. Or "Blow off some steam" as the excuse may be.

Ashton Kutcher's gambling addiction is used as a comedic device because addictions are, generally speaking, the best way to open a comedy. Haha! This guy has a crippling addiction! It's ruining his life! HILARIOUS! I mean, if you weren't rolling on the floor laughing while watching Requiem for a Dream, you just have no sense of humour.

So this perfect and obviously meant-for-each-other couple meet as a result of the male one stumbling into the female one's hotel room unintentionally. You know, because that's possible. Hotel room doors close automatically and need to be opened by a card key. Unless it's 1973 - which the number of cellular telephones in this film seems to indicate is not the case - I don't think they can just saunter into a hotel room at random.

Once this happens, our lovely antagonists (I meant to write protagonists, but I feel this is a far more appropriate title) complain to hotel staff. For some mysterious, inexplicable and probably impossible reason, they give them an all-expenses-paid, crazy, VIP bender around Vegas.

This bender includes Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz finding a 'real' connection, and, in true romcom fashion, falling for each other (personified by them having sex, of course).

And then they get married.

And then he wins the jackpot from a slot machine and since they're married, she technically gets half.
They go to court to decide the official owner of the $3 million and the judge sentences them to 6 months of living together and being married before they're allowed to claim any of it. Yup. Actually. Who wrote this? What studio approved this idea? A court order demanding they be married? Are you fucking kidding me? I've heard better ideas for joke sitcoms on real sitcoms.

So despite hating each other and feuding over the rightful ownership of $3 million, they are forced to live together by court order. Naturally, this leads to a number of "hilarious" moments where they attempt to out-do one another. In one incident, the toilet seat and then the bathroom door are removed. In another, one drugs the other's smoothie. This is definitely the sort of innovative comedy writing that people will be talking about for generations. It's films like these that one day our children will show to their children and say "This, my beloved offspring, is comedy in its truest form."

Let's hope to God someone shits their pants.

Although I do not condone shitty writing, I do condone Ashton Kutcher playing Wii Tennis without a shirt on. I apologize for that, straight males and gay females. But it deserved being mentioned as it has definitely been the best part of this movie by a pretty substantial margin. Fortunately, this is eventually saved by some pretty choice lines by Zach Galifanakis.

The amount of alleged legal mumbo jumbo involved in this film makes me want to puke into my shoes and wear them for a couple days. "In the case of ___ vs. ___, it was stated that..." No. In no other case did a judge decree that a couple remain fake married because they were a shitty couple and it was desecrating the institution of marriage. And if there has, that judge should be fired on the spot and/or get hit by a bus.

I swear to God, if they end up together at the end of this crap factory, I am going to walk to Hollywood and burn the motherfucker down. And by that I mean obviously that is going to happen.

Hollywood has gotten to a point where they realize that if they put some famous people in a movie that don't like each other at the beginning but like each other at the end, people will pay $12.95 to see it every fucking time. Why? Because they will. And you know who's fault that is? Not theirs. If I could get paid a million dollars to write a shit movie, I'd fucking do it. But would I pay money to see this crap? Fuck. No.

Eventually, they're pulling everything possible to get out of this situation. They have an epic race to the marriage councilor's office (including, but not limited to: Cameron Diaz exposing her breasts to pay for a cab ride and a motherfucking baguette fight). They also make light of domestic abuse. I mean, if I'm paying top dollar to see a romantic comedy, I'm definitely going to need some jokes to be made at the expense of abuse victims.

Shock and dismay, she's seen his weakness. His father will never think he's good enough. That's why he's such a failure with a gambling problem. Oh fuck, he coaches little league and has other redeeming qualities including a shared interest in extremely popular movies. That's definitely something to base a marriage on. That and a court order.

Why must TV and movies repeatedly force the idea down our throats that if you rrreeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaally hate someone enough, one day you'll miraculously find out you both love Star Wars or some shit and suddenly be in love. No. If you really hate someone enough and you both like Star Wars you'll realize that Star Wars is one of the most popular film franchises of all time and that this person is still a fucking asshole.

Oh, she's come to the fancy ball all dolled up and now it's becoming very clear to him that he loves her. You know, because her regular clothes were not enough. Love is based entirely on the physical appearance of someone when they are wearing an expensive dress. "I didn't realize she was beautiful because she was only wearing her normal clothes." The major difference between the two: this dress is strapless and she's wearing a push-up bra. Thank you, What Happens in Vegas for showing me that love = boobies.

They do, inevitably, fall in love but only after they get a divorce and after a big, obnoxious courtroom scene with Queen Latifa. They end up back together and I end up losing faith in humanity and also spilling bourbon all over my bed in a fit of rage.

The most fucked up thing about this movie is the fact that I am sure there are women all over the world watching this and thinking "I wish I could be in a relationship where someone loves me like this." Women of the world: no you don't. This is the absolute definition of an unhealthy relationship. They treat each other like shit but according to film logic it's okay because they're in love? "Hey honey, I took a shit in your bed." "That's okay, sweetie. We love each other and that's all that matters."

Luckily, none of you have to watch this train wreck. Although, I technically didn't have to either. It is easily one of the worst written full-length features that I have ever seen. I'm telling you that this was physically painful to endure. Please do not watch it; not only for yourself, but for the sake of society as a whole. If I had a choice between having a wisdom tooth removed and re-watching this, I would choose the former since it is at least accompanied by prescription drugs. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sleep on a liquor-soaked mattress.

Can't Hardly Wait

From the opening alone we can tell this is a 1990s teen RomCom. (Personally, I prefer my romcoms to have some zom in there too.) There's some pop-rock song overlaid with a brightly-coloured, handwritten-looking font. And, of course, the words "Seth Green".

Alright, this is bringing back my prior crap about high school movies. I admit I'm not a dude and I also admit I was 10 when this movie came out. However, I do not get being in love with someone you don't know. I get that she's pretty (in fact, this dude doesn't even see her face before he's officially in love with her) What else are we basing this on? Her skills at selecting painfully nineties outfits including some kind of tank top with a lime green daisy on it?

Oh shit, Sabrina the Teenage Witch wants to get her yearbook signed by everyone? Couldn't she use some kind of spell for that? Actually, probably not. Her aunts would be like "Sorry, you can't trick people into doing things. You can only use magic for things that aren't of any actual use to you in real life. Thus making it clear that wishing to be a witch was a waste of time. Do you hear that, all 14-year-old girls? (Being a vampire would suck too, all puns aside)

Well, it just wouldn't be a 90s high school movie without Donald Faison and Breckin Myer. Don't know who those dudes are? I bet you do.

Someone needs to inform film makers that there is actually a market for writing female characters that have more depth than being like, the hottest girl ever. Basically, if a female character is written in a remotely realistic fashion, the best she will get is a pity lay (aka Seth Green).

Clearly Jennifer Love-Hewett is the fucking love interest. She's got that whole "girl next door" look to her. Yeah, if the girl next door got very expensive implants and some veneers. No, the "girl next door" look is bullshit. I think it really just means "brunette".

Seriously, can someone please confirm or deny the realism of women in 90s high school movies basically wearing bikini tops to parties? Was there a time when this was an acceptable alternative to... you know... clothes?

I bring your attention to all the cool guys and their respective girlfriends. The black dude and the black girl are together, obviously. You know, because it's 1965. However, the latino fellow is permitted to date a blonde girl and the Asian girl is allowed to bone whomever she pleases. Obviously I am unclear on the rules of film in the 90s. In all seriousness, does no one think it's fucked up that in 1998 that they couldn't have an interracial relationship in a film? Just sayin'. I thought William Shatner solved this problem in 1968 (nerd alert).

I also have to admit that this movie is full of the kind of people that I recognize from various roles but have no fucking clue who they are. They're the kind of people who got one line in a movie that did pretty well and then maybe got two lines in a movie that did terribly. Although Tara from Buffy is in it as an extra which is kinda cool if you're a major dork.

I keep forgetting that this main character guy exists. Maybe that's because I'm an asshole, but the greatest likelihood is because nobody cares about a whiny douche.  "I'm in love with a girl I don't know anything about." Who the fuck cares? I can't believe how much nobody cares that you're in love with Jennifer Love-Hewitt. You know what? I don't even care about Jennifer Love-Hewitt in this film either. "I got dumped by the hottest guy in school and now want to date a weird dude I don't know who sent me a creepy letter." They are by far and away the least interesting part of this narrative. I hope their relationship ends in a flaming car crash before they're able to reproduce.

According to this film, unless you're one of the popular, pretty, slutty girls, you're extremely cynical, fat and and completely insane. Touche, Can't Hardly Wait.

Just a heads up, high school students: if you find yourself having a heartfelt conversation with a stripper dressed as an angel in a diner parking lot at 2am, it is time to re-think your life and maybe like... go to a good university before you fuck up everything for some broad you've never actually talked to.

I gotta say, my personal favourite part of this movie has to be that fucking Jerry O'Connell plays Trip McNeely or, "A sexual icon" as the one dude says. Seriously. This is the same guy who played the "fat" kid in Stand By Me. Who knew he would grow up to be a teen heartthrob. The other kids from Stand By Me had their careers unfold pretty naturally. Wil Wheaton grew up to play a nerd on TV and Rivers Phoenix grew up to die in a nightclub bathroom from a drug overdose.

Keep an eye out for Jason Segel if you do watch this. If you don't know who that is, then maybe don't.

Why, movies, must you represent people falling in love as them having sex. We know the characters have finally acknowledged their feelings for each other because they've done the bone dance. Good lesson for societies youths. "If you want someone to know you love them, just have drunk sex and they'll know. Also, once you kiss someone and you slide down to kiss in a horizontal position, that means you've had sex. There are no steps between kissing and sex."

Shit, hearing the song Dammit by Blink 182 does make me smile. It reminds me of a time before I knew what the difference between good and shitty music was, and that was a good time for everyone.

Holy crap, the train station get-together? Really? "I love you so much I followed you to the train" "Well, I'm moving to _______" Real life "Oh, shit. Gotta go!" Movie "I'm coming with you so we can get married and have babies."

There are definitely some parts of this movie that are genuinely funny, but only if you ignore the entire main plot. If you pay too close attention to that your brains might melt out your ears and get all over the couch and then your mom would be mad that you made such a mess.

300

Any movie that begins with a man in a diaper-looking thing and ritual animal slaughter deserves recognition.

I think that considering the climate of these opening scenes, it would be wise for these fellows to attire themselves a bit more. Sure, this one guy is wearing the pelt of whatever that fucking mountain lion/wolf thing was that he just killed, but other than that he's not wearing anything but some kind of primitive Speedo. This strikes me as an inefficient method of maintaining warmth.

Don't get me wrong, as a heterosexual woman, I appreciate a man with a nice body. On the other hand, I find the number of half CGI and half makeup abs in this film borderline terrifying. I also feel like wearing some undies and a cape might not be the wisest for battle. Like, wouldn't that facilitate being pierced by a spear or sword or whatever the fuck? Especially in a time where the medical care was so minimal that a scratch could result in death by infection. "Well, he didn't STAB me, but his sword touched my bare chest and now I'm dying of sepsis. Shit happens." Make some fucking leather chest-covers you ass trees. I will accept neither ignorance nor pride as excuses.

It seems to me that, in this film in general, pride is taken over practicality, "Do you want to wear ox skulls on our heads? We won't be able to see, but we will look fucking BAD ASS. We'll probably die." "Yep. Let's do that for sure." or "I plan to wear a helmet, shin and wrist guards, but I plan on leaving all my fleshy bits that contain my vital organs completely exposed." "Well, obviously. How else would we know you're manly and intense?"

Before I started watching this, I assumed "THIS IS SPARTA!" would be waaaaaaay in there somewhere. 14 minutes in and I've already seen it. Should I stop watching now? I won't just so I can finish the review. The things I do for you people. I do, however, really enjoy that he yelled that and then kicked a man into an apparently bottomless pit. You know, one that he just has in his city and that everyone walks by on a regular day. Thanks for keeping your citizens safe, king.

I know Gerard Butler is a Scot, but (correct me if I'm wrong, here.) King Leonidas was not. I think he was a Greek. Right? So why does the "THIS IS SPARTA" ring so heavily of "They may tak our lieves but they may never tak OUR FREEDOM!!!" (For a bonus laugh, please read the description of that video)? I'm not expecting the man to speak in Ancient Greek, but when he rolls his R's I just - holy shit he's naked.

"I'm sitting next to you in the nude watching you sleep." Fair enough, Gerard Butler. I guess in ancient Greece that wasn't weird since this broad seems to be down with it. Oh, she's your wife? Okay, so now it's time for a slo-mo, black-and-white, awkwardly-edited sex scene involving a wind machine. I guess everyone had a wind machine back then to make their sex seem more epic. Though I imagine they were slave-powered.

I feel that it is now time for me to address King Leonidas's... whatever the fuck you call it... rat tail... thing. The man has a tiny braid at the back of his hair. It appears to wrap around the entirety of his head like a combination awkward rat rail and headband. In most lighting, it just looks like he is a Padawan. And here I was thinking that rat rails were only acceptable in the early 1990s. According to this film it was also acceptable in the 480s BC (Before Coiffure).

Speaking of ugly, we have this Ephialtes individual who looks like a very unfortunate pairing of Quasimodo and Gollum. The poor asshole is like "I know I am hideous and everyone hates me, but I want to join you in battle regardless. It can't help to have one more guy, right?" and Gerard Butler is basically like "Go fuck yourself, cripple". Nice. For me, though, I am imagining the casting of this particular fellow. He's heard about 300 and is super excited to go out for the role since he knows they're only hiring extremely good-looking male actors. He gets a call-back and is thrilled. "You're going to be a secondary character" they tell him. Everything is coming up roses for this poor bastard and all of a sudden: "Oh, by the way, you're playing the pathetic, deformed hunchback who isn't even good enough to die in battle." At that point do you just call your parents and say you didn't get the part? Or do you make up some bullshit about how it requires lots of acting talent to make up for the fact that you're unrecognizable and you don't get your own set of CGI abs. I would select the third option: quit acting and get a real job.

I'm curious, during this time period and in this town, were women and children only allowed to wear whatever they could tie together from some rags and maybe a belt? The women look like they're at a sorority toga party (Only one where everyone's rolled in the dirt beforehand) and the children look like tiny sumo wrestlers (who have similarly rolled in dirt).

Isn't this supposed to be a real battle? Like one that took place in life? Why are they fighting terrifying giant-type creatures? Also, what is this obese creature with the scythes for arms and the nipples rings (other than the star of my nightmares, of course)? I have stopped assuming this is supposed to be remotely realistic as I have seen a goat-man.

I don't totally comprehend the politics taking place in this courtroom scene, but I do know one thing: stabbing a man in front of a jury of your peers in current times is grounds for some pretty serious penalties. In this film, there is a chant of "traitor" which I think is the current equivalent of "You are a poo-poo head".

I also can't get over how white all their teeth are. Perhaps this is something petty to notice, but I am SURE that in 480 BC they didn't have our current standards for teeth whitening. Or like... toothbrushes. Leonidas clearly has veneers. This is an outrage.

It seems to me I might've missed out on some major plot points, but overall this movie is entertaining if you are either female or not susceptible to body-image inferiority.

Anaconda

This gem, straight outta '97, combines my love of giant snakes and bad acting.

Just the opening credits of this mess are hilarious. Owen Wilson? Jennifer Lopez? Fucking ICE CUBE? Holy shit, is this the dude who plays Machete?! IMDB has let me know that oh my, yes it is. Whatever, he didn't even survive the credits.

Jennifer Lopez is some kind of hunter or scientist or some shit. There's also some other skank who's with Owen Wilson who wears tiny shorts and a button up shirt that's tied in the middle like every 90s sex symbol. You can always see her bra. "Is it just me or does the jungle make you really, really horny?" - Direct quote from Owen Wilson's character to hers. Yeah, they'll be lasting long. Horror film rules say he and his slutty broad bite it first; probably whilst banging in some secluded area. Well, either them or Ice Cube. Nothing carries a death sentence in a bad thriller like expressing your interest in orgasms or being an ethnic minority.

There's this dude in the beginning who's trying to bang J-Lo and somehow he bags her by talking about the mating rituals of fireflies. Yep. That's it for me. Flashing insect butts get me hot every time. I'm surprised they don't make pornos about bioluminesence.

Please prepare yourself for Jon Voight's character. He may have begotten Angelina Jolie, but his unidentifiable, South American accent leaves MUCH to be desired. Portuguese? Spanish? Nobody knows. Either way: bad. It is also important to note that he has a disgusting ponytail.

Don't watch this movie unless you're into cliched and poorly-written horror film characters.
The strong, female lead: "I am tough, sexy, and also know science."
The snooty British guy: "I've brought expensive wine on a boat that has such minimal facilities that I have to defecate in a bucket"
The sexy couple: "We serve little more purpose than to make sex jokes and die spectacularly"
The helpful older guy who turns out to be evil: "Hey guys, I know lots about the jungle. On an unrelated note, I'll totally kill you to make some money." Important to note: must be killed 30-40 times for death to be achieved.
The cool, black dude: "Aaww hell no, I ain't getting eaten by some snake" Unfortunately, sir, the likelihood is that you will.
The guy everyone forgot about until he saves the day: "Hey! I'm alive! Remember me? No? Oh..."

Also, don't watch it if you have an issue with dead monkeys.

I realise it was 13 years ago, but did they really make this movie seriously? "Okay okay, I've got an idea. We'll get a bunch of D-list actors and a couple of music stars and put them on a boat in the amazon where they're going to get eaten by a giant snake." "Dude, why didn't I think of that?!" Because it's retarded. Side note: if it were a reality show, I think I'd watch it. Can we make that happen somehow?

The dialogue, acting and special effects are out-of-control ridiculous. There is actually a scene that includes a CGI Anaconda that's on fire and still trying to eat people. Don't you think writhing in pain would be a priority over satiating its hunger? I don't know about you, but nothing curbs my appetite quite like being lit on fire.

This movie sucks. I wouldn't recommend watching it unless you're very intoxicated. Or stupid. Stupid works too.