Devil

Tonight I'm going to watch the newest M. Night Shayamalan movie because nobody else in the world is going to. Seriously, I saw a trailer for this movie in theatres, and there was a collective groan from the audience when his name popped up. Pretty sad. I almost feel sorry for the guy and then I remember his high-end call girls and millions of dollars and his giant mansion probably keep him warm at night where I have to settle for a bottle of whiskey and a duvet I stole from my mother's house.
Once again I will do my best to write this so you can read it if you haven't seen this movie since there is no fucking reason to see it unless you write a comedy film blog.

Basically, it's all about 5 people trapped in an elevator together and, allegedly, one of them is the devil.

The first shot you see is of your obligatory, ominous, biblical quotation in a scaaaary font. Then, we have a song that is full of strings and timpani and all manner of scary instruments that have reminded you of the devil since that one part of Fantasia that you always made your mom fast forward. This lovely music is played over negative images of a city. Oh shit, those sure are scary. I'm glad I couldn't make those in MS Paint in under a minute.

So for those of you who missed out on seeing the trailer for this beast, the biggest name (unless you're big into The O.C.) in this is the guy who says "The Snozberries taste like Snozberries" in Super Troopers. Side note: he is also fucking Christina Hendricks. I wish I were kidding. This guy is assigned as the scapegoat right off since he's ugly. Naturally, he's the first to die.

They give some bullshit science excuse for why the lights keep randomly going out in the elevator, but obviously it's a plot device. "How can we have people abusing each other in an elevator and not make it clear who perpetrated it?" "Let's shut the lights off." "Nobody will buy that." "We'll list M. Night as a producer." "PERFECT!"

The opening of this film is narrated by this Latino guy who turns out to be in charge of security or some shit in the building that houses the elevator from hell. Anyway, once he sees the elevator madness, he is the one who tells us that obviously the devil himself is at work here. How does he prove this theory? He picks up a piece of toast with jam and throws it in the air. It lands jam side down. Sir, even if you have an extremely basic understanding of science you can realize that the side with the jam on it is heavier and, subsequently, will land first. Fuck, I think I figured that out on my own when I was like 8 and someone asked why bread always lands jam-side-down. I guess if you're dumb enough to pay money to see this, you have a similar IQ to an 8-year-old. I think people would take this guy more seriously if he were an older, English fellow with a tweed jacket, glasses and a leather-bound book.

The... protagonist(?) I guess that's what we'll call him, of this film is a cop (obviously) who's investigating the elevator murder. The man has a devastating past that we are reminded of twice before even approaching the halfway point of the movie. "Here's why I don't believe in the devil: people are dicks and my life is hard."

Good lord, it seems the reason they've all been chosen to be in this elevator is because they're all evil and they need to be punished. I'm sure there's a porno out there with a similar premise.

One of the big, important security guys goes downstairs to find out what's causing the elevator to be stuck and he finds a high voltage wire has been disconnected. In lieu of finding some kind of professional in the field of high voltage wires, he attempts to pick it up with a stick. What he was planning on doing with it afterward remains a mystery to me, but obviously he's too busy being intensely electrocuted for us to find out. I'm sure he'll live even though that makes no sense.

Now they're trying to tell me that this whole thing is a metaphor for our own problems. If you take responsibility for the bad things you've done, everything will be okay. Please, M. Night, take responsibility for raping people's minds so that you can afford another Bugatti.

The "twist" ending of this makes you groan as much as the audience when I first saw the trailer for it. I won't tell you what it is in case you're dumb enough to see it, but lemme tell you, it's fucking horrible. Not an "Oh wow! That totally makes sense!" Much more of an "Oh, that's how they're going to get around that." If you want to be a writer you should see this movie just so you can see what not to do. It's really eye-rollingly awful. (If you really want to know what it is but don't want to see the movie, shoot me an email and I'll tell you.)

So basically this movie was everything I'd expected and even less. I wouldn't suggest watching it unless you enjoy shitty, shitty films. Here's hoping someone locks M. Night Shayamalan in an elevator before he gets a chance to make anything else.

What Happens in Vegas

If Cameron Diaz is playing a stock broker, it's pretty safe to assume you're not about to watch a masterpiece. However, outrageous character careers aside, I was not prepared for just how bad this was going to be.

I have to ask: was Cameron Diaz always this weird-looking? I thought she was good-looking, but in this movie she looks like she was crafted from cheap leather stretched over the skeleton of a bird of prey and covered with latex paint.

So anyway, Cameron Diaz is left by her boyfriend or fiance or what fucking ever, and Ashton Kutcher clearly has a gambling problem so they both go to Vegas to (presumably) meet each other in some extremely unlikely circumstance. Or "Blow off some steam" as the excuse may be.

Ashton Kutcher's gambling addiction is used as a comedic device because addictions are, generally speaking, the best way to open a comedy. Haha! This guy has a crippling addiction! It's ruining his life! HILARIOUS! I mean, if you weren't rolling on the floor laughing while watching Requiem for a Dream, you just have no sense of humour.

So this perfect and obviously meant-for-each-other couple meet as a result of the male one stumbling into the female one's hotel room unintentionally. You know, because that's possible. Hotel room doors close automatically and need to be opened by a card key. Unless it's 1973 - which the number of cellular telephones in this film seems to indicate is not the case - I don't think they can just saunter into a hotel room at random.

Once this happens, our lovely antagonists (I meant to write protagonists, but I feel this is a far more appropriate title) complain to hotel staff. For some mysterious, inexplicable and probably impossible reason, they give them an all-expenses-paid, crazy, VIP bender around Vegas.

This bender includes Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz finding a 'real' connection, and, in true romcom fashion, falling for each other (personified by them having sex, of course).

And then they get married.

And then he wins the jackpot from a slot machine and since they're married, she technically gets half.
They go to court to decide the official owner of the $3 million and the judge sentences them to 6 months of living together and being married before they're allowed to claim any of it. Yup. Actually. Who wrote this? What studio approved this idea? A court order demanding they be married? Are you fucking kidding me? I've heard better ideas for joke sitcoms on real sitcoms.

So despite hating each other and feuding over the rightful ownership of $3 million, they are forced to live together by court order. Naturally, this leads to a number of "hilarious" moments where they attempt to out-do one another. In one incident, the toilet seat and then the bathroom door are removed. In another, one drugs the other's smoothie. This is definitely the sort of innovative comedy writing that people will be talking about for generations. It's films like these that one day our children will show to their children and say "This, my beloved offspring, is comedy in its truest form."

Let's hope to God someone shits their pants.

Although I do not condone shitty writing, I do condone Ashton Kutcher playing Wii Tennis without a shirt on. I apologize for that, straight males and gay females. But it deserved being mentioned as it has definitely been the best part of this movie by a pretty substantial margin. Fortunately, this is eventually saved by some pretty choice lines by Zach Galifanakis.

The amount of alleged legal mumbo jumbo involved in this film makes me want to puke into my shoes and wear them for a couple days. "In the case of ___ vs. ___, it was stated that..." No. In no other case did a judge decree that a couple remain fake married because they were a shitty couple and it was desecrating the institution of marriage. And if there has, that judge should be fired on the spot and/or get hit by a bus.

I swear to God, if they end up together at the end of this crap factory, I am going to walk to Hollywood and burn the motherfucker down. And by that I mean obviously that is going to happen.

Hollywood has gotten to a point where they realize that if they put some famous people in a movie that don't like each other at the beginning but like each other at the end, people will pay $12.95 to see it every fucking time. Why? Because they will. And you know who's fault that is? Not theirs. If I could get paid a million dollars to write a shit movie, I'd fucking do it. But would I pay money to see this crap? Fuck. No.

Eventually, they're pulling everything possible to get out of this situation. They have an epic race to the marriage councilor's office (including, but not limited to: Cameron Diaz exposing her breasts to pay for a cab ride and a motherfucking baguette fight). They also make light of domestic abuse. I mean, if I'm paying top dollar to see a romantic comedy, I'm definitely going to need some jokes to be made at the expense of abuse victims.

Shock and dismay, she's seen his weakness. His father will never think he's good enough. That's why he's such a failure with a gambling problem. Oh fuck, he coaches little league and has other redeeming qualities including a shared interest in extremely popular movies. That's definitely something to base a marriage on. That and a court order.

Why must TV and movies repeatedly force the idea down our throats that if you rrreeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaally hate someone enough, one day you'll miraculously find out you both love Star Wars or some shit and suddenly be in love. No. If you really hate someone enough and you both like Star Wars you'll realize that Star Wars is one of the most popular film franchises of all time and that this person is still a fucking asshole.

Oh, she's come to the fancy ball all dolled up and now it's becoming very clear to him that he loves her. You know, because her regular clothes were not enough. Love is based entirely on the physical appearance of someone when they are wearing an expensive dress. "I didn't realize she was beautiful because she was only wearing her normal clothes." The major difference between the two: this dress is strapless and she's wearing a push-up bra. Thank you, What Happens in Vegas for showing me that love = boobies.

They do, inevitably, fall in love but only after they get a divorce and after a big, obnoxious courtroom scene with Queen Latifa. They end up back together and I end up losing faith in humanity and also spilling bourbon all over my bed in a fit of rage.

The most fucked up thing about this movie is the fact that I am sure there are women all over the world watching this and thinking "I wish I could be in a relationship where someone loves me like this." Women of the world: no you don't. This is the absolute definition of an unhealthy relationship. They treat each other like shit but according to film logic it's okay because they're in love? "Hey honey, I took a shit in your bed." "That's okay, sweetie. We love each other and that's all that matters."

Luckily, none of you have to watch this train wreck. Although, I technically didn't have to either. It is easily one of the worst written full-length features that I have ever seen. I'm telling you that this was physically painful to endure. Please do not watch it; not only for yourself, but for the sake of society as a whole. If I had a choice between having a wisdom tooth removed and re-watching this, I would choose the former since it is at least accompanied by prescription drugs. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sleep on a liquor-soaked mattress.

Can't Hardly Wait

From the opening alone we can tell this is a 1990s teen RomCom. (Personally, I prefer my romcoms to have some zom in there too.) There's some pop-rock song overlaid with a brightly-coloured, handwritten-looking font. And, of course, the words "Seth Green".

Alright, this is bringing back my prior crap about high school movies. I admit I'm not a dude and I also admit I was 10 when this movie came out. However, I do not get being in love with someone you don't know. I get that she's pretty (in fact, this dude doesn't even see her face before he's officially in love with her) What else are we basing this on? Her skills at selecting painfully nineties outfits including some kind of tank top with a lime green daisy on it?

Oh shit, Sabrina the Teenage Witch wants to get her yearbook signed by everyone? Couldn't she use some kind of spell for that? Actually, probably not. Her aunts would be like "Sorry, you can't trick people into doing things. You can only use magic for things that aren't of any actual use to you in real life. Thus making it clear that wishing to be a witch was a waste of time. Do you hear that, all 14-year-old girls? (Being a vampire would suck too, all puns aside)

Well, it just wouldn't be a 90s high school movie without Donald Faison and Breckin Myer. Don't know who those dudes are? I bet you do.

Someone needs to inform film makers that there is actually a market for writing female characters that have more depth than being like, the hottest girl ever. Basically, if a female character is written in a remotely realistic fashion, the best she will get is a pity lay (aka Seth Green).

Clearly Jennifer Love-Hewett is the fucking love interest. She's got that whole "girl next door" look to her. Yeah, if the girl next door got very expensive implants and some veneers. No, the "girl next door" look is bullshit. I think it really just means "brunette".

Seriously, can someone please confirm or deny the realism of women in 90s high school movies basically wearing bikini tops to parties? Was there a time when this was an acceptable alternative to... you know... clothes?

I bring your attention to all the cool guys and their respective girlfriends. The black dude and the black girl are together, obviously. You know, because it's 1965. However, the latino fellow is permitted to date a blonde girl and the Asian girl is allowed to bone whomever she pleases. Obviously I am unclear on the rules of film in the 90s. In all seriousness, does no one think it's fucked up that in 1998 that they couldn't have an interracial relationship in a film? Just sayin'. I thought William Shatner solved this problem in 1968 (nerd alert).

I also have to admit that this movie is full of the kind of people that I recognize from various roles but have no fucking clue who they are. They're the kind of people who got one line in a movie that did pretty well and then maybe got two lines in a movie that did terribly. Although Tara from Buffy is in it as an extra which is kinda cool if you're a major dork.

I keep forgetting that this main character guy exists. Maybe that's because I'm an asshole, but the greatest likelihood is because nobody cares about a whiny douche.  "I'm in love with a girl I don't know anything about." Who the fuck cares? I can't believe how much nobody cares that you're in love with Jennifer Love-Hewitt. You know what? I don't even care about Jennifer Love-Hewitt in this film either. "I got dumped by the hottest guy in school and now want to date a weird dude I don't know who sent me a creepy letter." They are by far and away the least interesting part of this narrative. I hope their relationship ends in a flaming car crash before they're able to reproduce.

According to this film, unless you're one of the popular, pretty, slutty girls, you're extremely cynical, fat and and completely insane. Touche, Can't Hardly Wait.

Just a heads up, high school students: if you find yourself having a heartfelt conversation with a stripper dressed as an angel in a diner parking lot at 2am, it is time to re-think your life and maybe like... go to a good university before you fuck up everything for some broad you've never actually talked to.

I gotta say, my personal favourite part of this movie has to be that fucking Jerry O'Connell plays Trip McNeely or, "A sexual icon" as the one dude says. Seriously. This is the same guy who played the "fat" kid in Stand By Me. Who knew he would grow up to be a teen heartthrob. The other kids from Stand By Me had their careers unfold pretty naturally. Wil Wheaton grew up to play a nerd on TV and Rivers Phoenix grew up to die in a nightclub bathroom from a drug overdose.

Keep an eye out for Jason Segel if you do watch this. If you don't know who that is, then maybe don't.

Why, movies, must you represent people falling in love as them having sex. We know the characters have finally acknowledged their feelings for each other because they've done the bone dance. Good lesson for societies youths. "If you want someone to know you love them, just have drunk sex and they'll know. Also, once you kiss someone and you slide down to kiss in a horizontal position, that means you've had sex. There are no steps between kissing and sex."

Shit, hearing the song Dammit by Blink 182 does make me smile. It reminds me of a time before I knew what the difference between good and shitty music was, and that was a good time for everyone.

Holy crap, the train station get-together? Really? "I love you so much I followed you to the train" "Well, I'm moving to _______" Real life "Oh, shit. Gotta go!" Movie "I'm coming with you so we can get married and have babies."

There are definitely some parts of this movie that are genuinely funny, but only if you ignore the entire main plot. If you pay too close attention to that your brains might melt out your ears and get all over the couch and then your mom would be mad that you made such a mess.

Never Been Kissed

Had a couple bourbons and the women's station was playing Never Been Kissed. Obviously, this is the opportunity a blogger like myself can only dream about. (Grammar bitches: I ended my sentence with a preposition. Deal with it.)

I thoroughly enjoy how cliché Drew Barrymore and John Cusack... wait wait... David Arquette's characters are. The lame girl who grows up to be successful and the popular kid who ends up working in some shithole and living in his parents' basement. Please note: "grows up" is defined as being 23 and 25. "Josie, I can't go to College, I'm too old." That's a good lesson for youth today. If you're 23, it's too late to make something of yourself. Just give up.

I also love the fact that Drew Barrymore just fits right into a high school age-wise. I'll tell you why it works so well: it's not because she looks particularly young, but because everyone else is also in their mid- to late twenties; as is the custom for all adolescent movies. The 'sexy' teacher looks the same age (if not even slightly younger) than the students. I genuinely fear the day when kids in high school movies actually look as young as real life high school students to me. I feel this will be the day I will know I am truly old.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone (I'm bringing that back). The nerdy, loser girl has glasses and baggy, unflattering clothing? This has certainly never happened in any film prior to this. Let's get her in a tight dress (or... perhaps... unitard?) and throw those glasses in a trash bin and surprise: she's pretty!

Tell me something: in high school, did you ever fall in love with someone who you knew nothing about other than the fact that they were dicks to everyone? Even if they were... like... the hottest person you've ever seen? I can tell you right fucking now that I did not. Who gives a shit if someone is good looking and popular if they're boring as hell? Please. Give me some insight on this. Besides, I bet these popular, boring assholes are shit in bed, too. Since they're boring and also incredibly selfish. "I banged the hottest guy last night!" "Oh my God, that's awesome. How was it?" "The worst."

Which brings us to this "Guy" individual. This asshole is the epitome is a lame high school movie boy. He looks like he's straight out of a bad goth band (there are good goth bands?). Seriously, no man should wear so many v-necks. This shithole is showing more cleavage than half the women. I suspect he has a vagina. "Popular male" in this film seems to be defined by styled hair and a necklace. Should they not have at least one redeeming quality? I do not see the appeal of these necklace-wearing, floppy-haired jerks.

Back to our protagonist. This dork finds herself "accidentally" eating a weed brownie. I'm pretty sure that getting stoned and making an ass of yourself is not the best means of making the cool kids like you. Also, weed doesn't make you want to jump on stage and do an Elaine-style dance. It makes you want to play Zelda in the dark while eating leftover meatloaf.

When I first started watching this movie, I thought to myself  "Even Drew Barrymore all uglied up can't be unattractive enough to never be kissed." Yeah, I'm beginning to think that's not totally true. Her problem is not her face/clothes/hair. It's her personality. She's a know-it-all who corrects peoples' grammar at every turn. Although, I do genuinely believe there was a chance she could've found someone just as douchey as herself in some university study group or some crap like that and they could've had wild, disgusting, nerdy sex. Likely involving both a Boba Fett and a Slave Leia costume. I will leave it up to you to decipher who is wearing which one.

I cannot, emotionally, deal with the clothing choices for this film. Please tell me what school would allow a girl to wear what is essentially a bikini top as a shirt to school, but also has a metal detector. Oooh, right, I know! A poorly written one.

Also, this whole malarkey with her and her teacher flirting. Yes, we know it's acceptable because they're both adults, but he doesn't know that. Please do not give me some crap about how he can sense her being older. As far as he is concerned, she's 17 and he's a creep. End of story.

I can't really bring myself to believe that there is any prom where people take the theme seriously enough to dress in ludicrous costumes. As a girl, I feel the need to say: this is prom, not fucking Halloween. These girls are going to want to wear over-the-top and gorgeous dresses, not a fucking pregnant Virgin Mary costume. No self-respecting girl would be seen at a prom with a date wearing a turtle costume. Even if he is in 2gether.

I will admit that some of the sap in this movie did work on me. Cynicism aside, one can't help but empathize with this poor bitch. Faking going to high school really can be tough until you get kissed by your pedo teacher in the middle of a baseball field.

Anaconda

This gem, straight outta '97, combines my love of giant snakes and bad acting.

Just the opening credits of this mess are hilarious. Owen Wilson? Jennifer Lopez? Fucking ICE CUBE? Holy shit, is this the dude who plays Machete?! IMDB has let me know that oh my, yes it is. Whatever, he didn't even survive the credits.

Jennifer Lopez is some kind of hunter or scientist or some shit. There's also some other skank who's with Owen Wilson who wears tiny shorts and a button up shirt that's tied in the middle like every 90s sex symbol. You can always see her bra. "Is it just me or does the jungle make you really, really horny?" - Direct quote from Owen Wilson's character to hers. Yeah, they'll be lasting long. Horror film rules say he and his slutty broad bite it first; probably whilst banging in some secluded area. Well, either them or Ice Cube. Nothing carries a death sentence in a bad thriller like expressing your interest in orgasms or being an ethnic minority.

There's this dude in the beginning who's trying to bang J-Lo and somehow he bags her by talking about the mating rituals of fireflies. Yep. That's it for me. Flashing insect butts get me hot every time. I'm surprised they don't make pornos about bioluminesence.

Please prepare yourself for Jon Voight's character. He may have begotten Angelina Jolie, but his unidentifiable, South American accent leaves MUCH to be desired. Portuguese? Spanish? Nobody knows. Either way: bad. It is also important to note that he has a disgusting ponytail.

Don't watch this movie unless you're into cliched and poorly-written horror film characters.
The strong, female lead: "I am tough, sexy, and also know science."
The snooty British guy: "I've brought expensive wine on a boat that has such minimal facilities that I have to defecate in a bucket"
The sexy couple: "We serve little more purpose than to make sex jokes and die spectacularly"
The helpful older guy who turns out to be evil: "Hey guys, I know lots about the jungle. On an unrelated note, I'll totally kill you to make some money." Important to note: must be killed 30-40 times for death to be achieved.
The cool, black dude: "Aaww hell no, I ain't getting eaten by some snake" Unfortunately, sir, the likelihood is that you will.
The guy everyone forgot about until he saves the day: "Hey! I'm alive! Remember me? No? Oh..."

Also, don't watch it if you have an issue with dead monkeys.

I realise it was 13 years ago, but did they really make this movie seriously? "Okay okay, I've got an idea. We'll get a bunch of D-list actors and a couple of music stars and put them on a boat in the amazon where they're going to get eaten by a giant snake." "Dude, why didn't I think of that?!" Because it's retarded. Side note: if it were a reality show, I think I'd watch it. Can we make that happen somehow?

The dialogue, acting and special effects are out-of-control ridiculous. There is actually a scene that includes a CGI Anaconda that's on fire and still trying to eat people. Don't you think writhing in pain would be a priority over satiating its hunger? I don't know about you, but nothing curbs my appetite quite like being lit on fire.

This movie sucks. I wouldn't recommend watching it unless you're very intoxicated. Or stupid. Stupid works too.