The Scorpion King

I should probably preface that I totally haven't seen the second Mummy movie, nor do I intend to.
I chose this winner based solely on its poster --->
and the fact that it stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Dude, The Rock is your character name. That's like Harrison Ford being billed as "Han Solo" in any film post-Star-Wars. Most people try to get away from being typecast but The Rock is all "Listen bros, I don't care if I'm a Scorpion King or a Tooth Fairy, I can't have people forgetting the best and most logical catch phrase in television history."

I mean, come on, look at his intense brow furrowing. That's how you know he's serious. Plus, there is a woman in some kind of chain mail bikini and some flaming swords. If you're a man and you don't have an erection yet, I suggest making a doctor's appointment because there is clearly something wrong with your junk.

Ohhh good news, everybody! The bad guy and the good guy in this feature both have stupid, ponytail-based hairdos. That's really the best indicator of a film's quality.

There's some ongoing junk about how The Rock is the last of some clan called The Acadians which seems like really poorly executed historical research to me, but who gives a shit? If I were the historical researcher for a movie starring The Rock, I would be like "Fuck this, losers. I'm going to make up some shit about French Canadian people and then I can go back to doing coke off my Brazilian girlfriend's fake tits." But I'm not, so instead I'm going to drink gin and complain about bad movies on the internet.

I gotta say, I'd much rather be watching some people attack each other with large guns while racing fast cars than shooting arrows from camels. Although there is unquestionably some camp value to The Scorpion King being shot from a catalapault into a harem.

The Rock's character has shaped eyebrows, long hair, appears to be wearing quite a lot of makeup and is named Matthias. No offense to Matthiases everywhere (Although I'm assuming that would be majoratively Switzerland), but that sounds like a really poorly-written, sassy, gay character who is the sidekick in a romantic comedy. The main character talks about how fat she is even though her BMI is substantially below the healthy level and he assures her that she is beautiful even though he totally digs cocks. "Oh, sweetie, you're sexier than a fireman covered in truffle oil"

Well, there's certainly no greater relationship starter than using each other to save your own ass. That's the real sexiness. "Hey, baby, I need to use you as a hostage" "Oh good, because I was hoping you'd smuggle me out of prison" and so on. I think that's the basic plot of most Kate Hudson movies. The fucked up thing is, it could totally be one. "The Hostage". And the poster shows the two of them back to back looking smug.

Could also work with Katherine Heigl and Matthew Macconaghey.

They keep calling The Rock "The Acadian" which, to me, sounds like a review movie theatre. You know, the one your grandpa goes to to see matinees of 12 Angry Men and yell at the screen?

Unquestionably, the best part of this movie is the frequent brow-furrowing and looking slightly to the left. The cover is pretty epic, but in reality it's just boring. And not even bad enough to be enjoyable. The kind of bad where you really want to turn it off but you're like "I dunno, man, we've made it this far. Maybe there will be some kind of epic battle..." Nope. Turn it off. Go have a wank or cuddle your pets (But for the love of god, not both at the same time). It will not get better. The epic, final battle is the same quality you'd expect to see in your local high school's production of Les Miserables. Although with much sillier costumes.

To sum up, I'm pretty put off by how little of this film actually pertains to scorpions, let alone scorpion heirarchies.

Pulp Fiction

I don't know why I picked this movie. Writing a review about it scares the ever-loving shit about me. It is such a well-loved film that if I say anything negative about it, I feel I might be crucified. Fuck, I might crucify myself if I give it a shitty review. Please don't hate me.

So after the intro with the English guy who screams a lot in Reservoir Dogs, we've got the song that used to be good before it was anally raped by the Black Eyed Peas. (I originally typed "anally rapped" and considered leaving it since it works surprisingly well). "Which one?" you say? Who the fuck cares?

This bullshit about being able to order a beer in McDonalds is actually completely true, by the way. You can get a beer in the drive-thru and (if someone else is driving) you can drink that motherfucker right in the car. I would feel like a criminal the whole way home. Also, I think if you consumed a meal like that, your liver would straight-up punch you in the face. "What is this, you fucking asshole? Liquor and your entire daily intake of fat and salt? You're a piece of shit, you know that? I am totally going to give you cirrhosis. Suck my fucking liver dick." Yeesh, your liver has anger management problems.

According to this film, shooting heroin and driving makes you feel like you're in a movie from the 1950s. And although I cannot confirm from experience whether or not that is true, I suspect it is not.

I don't know about you, but I would totally go to Jackrabbit Slims if it were real. That place sounds fucking amazing. Especially if Steve Buscemi were both Buddy Holly and the waiter. Five dollar milkshakes be damned. 16 years later, you'd be hard pressed to find a reasonably sized milkshake for under $5. I also enjoy the fact that Vincent just spent a grand on heroin and is freaking out about spending five bones on a milkshake. Addictions and shit, I guess.

Okay, Uma Thurman, I know you're addicted to cocaine, but is snorting a white powdered substance you find in someone else's pocket really a good idea? That's kind of a dick move, for one. I'll admit I'm not an expert on the rules of the cocaine culture, but I think it is a rather serious faux-pas to take someone's stash out of their coat pocket and snort a big, fat line of it. For another, I know it looks very similar, especially because the dealer was out of balloons or whatever the fuck the usual procedure is, but unless it's got a motherfucking "THIS IS COCAINE" label on it, you may want to reconsider shoving a shitload of it up your nose. Just a thought.

On to Bruce Willis' watch: I can't help but ask a few questions about the logistics of a watch spending 7 years in someone's rectum. Did they wrap it in something? It would seem to me that they wouldn't have access to something like condoms and therefore would likely have had to shove it in bareback. If so, I don't understand how it survived this. I don't think waterproof watches existed at that point. How did they clean it afterward? Would it not have been caked in shit? And, for some reason, the question that nags me the most: did these men shit out a watch every time they had to take a dump just to have to shove it right back in there afterward? This sounds like one of the circles of hell, to me. Besides all that, would you wear a watch that spent 2 years in Christopher Walken's ass? I think this is a question that every person must ask themselves at least once in their lives.

Quentin Tarantino, I think you need to cool it with the N word. We knooooow you're trying to be all realistic and whatever the fuck, but I'm not sure it is appropriate for you to be using that word. Not only are you not of African descent, but I'm not even sure you're human. I have a bad feeling that you're really just a cartoon drawing of a crescent moon (seriously, look up cartoon drawings of crescent moons and you will note that they all look remarkably like Quentin Tarantino).

Good lord, Vincent, for a film criminal, you sure do have bad luck. First, the boss' wife ODs on your fucking heroin, second, you accidentally shoot a motherfucker in the face, third, you get held up at gunpoint while having breakfast and whilst wearing a ludicrous outfit and finally, you get your ass shot to death after taking a shit in Bruce Willis' apartment. I would suggest you get your shit together, but at the end of this story, you're too busy bleeding from your chest wounds to worry about that.

This last scene just makes me think how totally confused and annoyed I would be at Jules for not fucking saving everyone if I were one of those restaurant patrons. He totally could have, but he's like being all religiously enlightened and shit. He's like "I can't give you this case because it's not mine" and those wallets in the bag, they're yours? Dick.

God dammit, I'm tired and this movie just makes me want to go for breakfast. I sure could go for some swine.

Goodnight Pumpkins and Honey Bunnies respectively.

Side note: WHY is this the 3rd movie out of 4 that I've reviewed that has a disgusting ponytail?! This is getting out of control! Obviously there weren't any in the Lion King because they were on the motherfucking savannah and, you know, don't have thumbs. Outrageous. Vincent Vega, cut your hair.

Anaconda

This gem, straight outta '97, combines my love of giant snakes and bad acting.

Just the opening credits of this mess are hilarious. Owen Wilson? Jennifer Lopez? Fucking ICE CUBE? Holy shit, is this the dude who plays Machete?! IMDB has let me know that oh my, yes it is. Whatever, he didn't even survive the credits.

Jennifer Lopez is some kind of hunter or scientist or some shit. There's also some other skank who's with Owen Wilson who wears tiny shorts and a button up shirt that's tied in the middle like every 90s sex symbol. You can always see her bra. "Is it just me or does the jungle make you really, really horny?" - Direct quote from Owen Wilson's character to hers. Yeah, they'll be lasting long. Horror film rules say he and his slutty broad bite it first; probably whilst banging in some secluded area. Well, either them or Ice Cube. Nothing carries a death sentence in a bad thriller like expressing your interest in orgasms or being an ethnic minority.

There's this dude in the beginning who's trying to bang J-Lo and somehow he bags her by talking about the mating rituals of fireflies. Yep. That's it for me. Flashing insect butts get me hot every time. I'm surprised they don't make pornos about bioluminesence.

Please prepare yourself for Jon Voight's character. He may have begotten Angelina Jolie, but his unidentifiable, South American accent leaves MUCH to be desired. Portuguese? Spanish? Nobody knows. Either way: bad. It is also important to note that he has a disgusting ponytail.

Don't watch this movie unless you're into cliched and poorly-written horror film characters.
The strong, female lead: "I am tough, sexy, and also know science."
The snooty British guy: "I've brought expensive wine on a boat that has such minimal facilities that I have to defecate in a bucket"
The sexy couple: "We serve little more purpose than to make sex jokes and die spectacularly"
The helpful older guy who turns out to be evil: "Hey guys, I know lots about the jungle. On an unrelated note, I'll totally kill you to make some money." Important to note: must be killed 30-40 times for death to be achieved.
The cool, black dude: "Aaww hell no, I ain't getting eaten by some snake" Unfortunately, sir, the likelihood is that you will.
The guy everyone forgot about until he saves the day: "Hey! I'm alive! Remember me? No? Oh..."

Also, don't watch it if you have an issue with dead monkeys.

I realise it was 13 years ago, but did they really make this movie seriously? "Okay okay, I've got an idea. We'll get a bunch of D-list actors and a couple of music stars and put them on a boat in the amazon where they're going to get eaten by a giant snake." "Dude, why didn't I think of that?!" Because it's retarded. Side note: if it were a reality show, I think I'd watch it. Can we make that happen somehow?

The dialogue, acting and special effects are out-of-control ridiculous. There is actually a scene that includes a CGI Anaconda that's on fire and still trying to eat people. Don't you think writhing in pain would be a priority over satiating its hunger? I don't know about you, but nothing curbs my appetite quite like being lit on fire.

This movie sucks. I wouldn't recommend watching it unless you're very intoxicated. Or stupid. Stupid works too.

Chocolat

I found myself watching Chocolat because it was the most interesting thing on at 1am on a Friday night when all my friends are busy. I thought "Oh hey, I'm a chick and I'm drunk, this movie should be entertaining enough." The cover lead me to believe that Johnny Depp would be a prominent feature.

This movie disappointed in ways I was unprepared for. Mostly, this film is about a deeply religious, very set-in-its-ways French village in what I think is supposed to be the 1950s. Seriously, though, who the fuck knows? I mean, it's France. Those guys are like "What? It's been more than 20 minutes since the revolution? Ca ne me interesse pas."

For some reason, even though I know it's the only way they can make a film about France and release it in America, the France-esque setting mixed with a group of people speaking in American (and, for good measure a few English) accents is infuriating. I think this one broad is some kind of Eastern European. They like to throw in random French words to seem like it makes sense, but it really fucking doesn't. This film has the odd feeling of being dubbed from French without actually having been dubbed.

Anyway, I was like "Oh hey, at least Johnny Depp is in this, even if the plot sucks big, pseudo-French dick, there should be some eye candy or some such shit."| Uhhh... no. He doesn't show up until past the half-way mark, and when he does he is a classical-guitar playing vagabond with a ponytail. Yaaaaaaaay. and by "Yay" I mean "Ew, please shower and get a fucking haircut you disgusting beast"

Of course, far before that, the viewer has to deal with all kinds of various bullshit. You get your tired fish-out-of-water story when some bitch who saunters around Europe with her daughter born out of wedlock turn up in a super-religious town. We are all very surprised when she wins everyone - even the most disgruntled old woman - over with her delicious fucking chocolates. Oh, and by the way, that old woman has diabetes. Obviously she likes the chocolate-slinger, since she's the only one in town who will give her sugar.

Our beloved main character bitch who peddles chocolate also takes in a woman who's husband is abusing her (Her husband being portrayed by one of the Nihilists from The Big Lebowski) who miraculously starts to wear makeup after she's rescued.

Blah, blah, motherfucking blah, Johnny Depp and his band of gypsies turn up on a big boat and the big crew of haters in this town obviously start hating on them and being like "Heeey, you're different, please leave".

I haven't finished it yet, but my guess is that chocolate broad wins over all their hearts and minds with chocolate and maybe some bullshit speech about how all humans are created equal, whether they're sluts, chocolatiers or dirty dudes with ponytails.

Finished the film. Diabetes lady dies and ponytailz gets his boat lit on fire. Overcoming adversity is as easy as melting a pot of fucking refined cocoa beans. They did manage to forgo the big, preachy speech, but instead we we're handed something even more horrifying. One of the last scenes in this film shows the antagonist trashing the chocolate shop and accidentally getting a small piece in his mouth. He tastes how delicious it is, falls in love and starts rolling in the chocolate. I almost wish I were joking.

Moral of the story: Haters gonna hate, but give them chocolate and they might stop hating after they light your boat on fire even if they're nihilists.