Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

In honour of the holidays, I believe it's time for me to poke fun at a film that has been delighting children for generations. 
If anyone can desecrate a Christmas classic with booze and inappropriate jokes, it's me. Or, perhaps, your uncle after mainlining egg nog since 2 pm.

I threw the "1947" there in the title so you wouldn't think I was talking about the one starring Matilda.

Our feature begins with a fellow who clearly is under the impression that he is Santa Claus. He turns up at the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade and finds the fake, float Santa to be all liquored up. He finds this to be absolutely despicable. Sorry Santa. S'pose I'm not much better. Good thing I already don't believe in you and am therefore going to hell... er... not get fancy gifts.

It is unbelievably clear right from the get-go that this movie is 60+ years old and this is even if you disregard the ethnicity of the housekeeper. The first time you meet the little girl, she's over at a strange man's house who brought her over there because "he's very fond of her". Whooooaaaa, hold the phone, Mr.Gailey, and please stop touching that little girl's arm while she's alone in your apartment.

Also, this movie is all about the commercialization of Christmas and about how it's no longer about Santa and instead it's about money. Funny, I thought it was supposed to be about the birth of like... some guy or something. Good thing this guy hasn't seen 2010 and a generation of 10-year-olds throwing fits over getting 2GB iPods when they wanted 8GB.

As a child I always thought people in the times of black and white movies just generally sounded the same. I'm guessing it's some kind of thing to do with the  recording technology at the time, but I find that there are 3 or 4 different voices for each sex and 4 for children, but after that it doesn't vary much. Every single female secondary character in this movie seems to be from Queens and also speaks directly through her nose at all times.

I understand that this woman wants her daughter to be smart and well-adjusted and doesn't want to lie to her or whatever, but telling your kid there's no Santa is just downright immoral, if you ask me. I am down for not lying to children, but when your 8-year-old goes to school and tells all her friends Santa Claus isn't real, she's going to be a pariah and you're going to be an asshole. "Mommyyyy! All the other kids threw stones at me!" "It's okay dear, they're all just misinformed." The good news is, this girl can grow up to be perfectly suited for sitting at a desk doing data entry or, if she's lucky, crushing the dreams of the innocent.

Once again, this woman is leaving her young daughter alone with a man she barely knows. Only this time, instead of being a handsome and wealthy young bachelor, it is a 70+ man with a beard who is still unmarried (which, in 1947, was kind of a big deal) and this time they're hanging out alone in her bedroom with the door shut. Admittedly, this is the same little girl who frequently chews gum in bed. Parenting 101: don't do anything that happens in the original Miracle on 34th Street.

I am fascinated by the concept that parents took their children to see this in 1947. I guarantee you could not get a kid of the 2000s to sit through this movie for all the Nintendo Wiis in the world. I'm not going to lie, I'm having a hard time paying attention and I'm not 6 (though I do have a similar attention span). Last time I tried to watch this movie I'm pretty sure I passed out as soon as the trial started. Seriously, a huge portion of this movie takes place in a courtroom. If you tried to pitch that for a kids' film now, you'd be laughed right out of the office. "But.. Children love drawn-out legal battles!" "SECURITY!!!"

Clearly whomever wrote this was from New York City. Not only is Santa Claus (like, the official, worldwide one) an American, he's a god damned New Yorker. A little self-centered, wouldn't you say?  Isn't he supposed to live in the North Pole, not a retirement home in the outskirts of New York City? Although, if you follow that logic, the man is obviously Canadian. That could be me being equally nationalistic.

All in all, even if you're a major Christmas hater, this movie's pretty solid. This film does have some actual, genuine wit. I wouldn't attempt to watch this with kids unless you want them to start playing Hungry Hungry Hippos in the middle of it. From an adult perspective this is a definite recommend. Merry Christmas, motherfuckers, and sorry I left out anyone reading this who doesn't do the whole Christmas thing. Enjoy your latkes.

Face/Off

A film where John Travolta and Nicolas Cage trade identities by literally swapping their faces is one that deserves being made fun of endlessly.

This movie begins with slo-mo and close-ups of John Travolta on a carousel and Nicolas Cage drinking from a straw with a comical moustache. As someone trying to write in the comedy genre, it is important to note that there are some times in life when there is nothing you can write that will ever be as funny as when someone else tries to write something serious and fails miserably. This entire movie is the perfect example of this phenomenon.

For example, Nicolas Cage has just planted a large bomb and is now -- I shit you not -- dancing provocatively in a priest's robe. His character is definitely one of the most over-the-top movie villains I've ever seen and that can be based solely on these sunglasses.

The amount of slo-mo in the movie alone deserves an entire entry. I've been watching it for 15 minutes and there have already been two separate and unrelated slow motion gunfights. I am beginning to believe this movie was made in normal speed and they were like "Shit, it's only 25 minutes long. What do we do?" "Make it 90% slow motion?" "GENIUS!" That guy got promoted to "Dude who brings the coffee and doesn't get spit on."

God damn, John Travolta's daughter is some kind of delinquent (aka. a teen). That's why he's such an emotional wreck that he has stubble and his tie is loosened. I mean, the girl as a nose ring and wears eyeliner for Christ's sake. If that we're my kid, I'd drive my car into a landmine factory.

At long last it is face-switchin' time. Did anyone casting this movie look at the shapes of Nicolas Cage and John Travolta's craniums? They are completely differently shaped. This is not just a certain amount of facial fat, this is a completely different facial structure. The explanations of the science behind how it's all possible are ludicrous to the point of absolute hilarity. "We'll give you plastic surgery and affix his face to your face" Okay, here's the thing: this is what a person with a full-face transplant looks like after months of healing. This is what "John Travolta" looked like after the face-swapping montage was over. Keep in mind this movie also came out over a decade ago. I have to say, if you don't yet have the scientific advancements to make a realistic-looking CGI laser, then you likely don't have access to the medical science required to keep John Travolta's face in a jar while he's out test-driving another one. I guess maybe this could be possible if the FBI has secret medical techniques that they're hiding from the public; so long the surgeon is the big man himself (Gandalf)  and their new, fancy drugs are made of ground up leprechauns and unicorn semen.

There have been films in which I have considered Nicolas Cage and John Travolta to be good actors. This is not one of those. The amount of over-acting involved in every single scene makes me want to cry with laughter and then immediately call all acting schools in the surrounding area and suggest this as a "what not to do" video.

Having said that, I am partial to any movie that contains the phrase "sex sandwich".

Also, I do genuinely enjoy how much Travolta makes fun of his own appearance. The man's famed chin dimple is referenced specifically at one point; being referred to as "This ridiculous chin."

To those who watch True Blood: Andy Bellefleur is in this movie; but it's before he went bald.
I've come to the realization that if you watch any movie from the late 90s, you'll find it to be choc-full of people you know from current TV shows. Don't believe me? Hyde from That 70s Show has a brief role as a dude who tries to rape Travolta's daughter.

One of the climactic scenes of this shit show is a like... 7-man Mexican standoff in the middle or a church. If the action film you've been writing in your basement on your mom's computer has anything less, you're a pussy. Though there's a pretty good chance of that being the case anyway.

Please do not forget that this film includes a speedboat gunfight. Yes, actually. These two lifelong rivals who have switched faces chase each other down in speedboats and attempt to kill one another from their respective water crafts. There are so many flaming explosions, you would think you were watching Nascar. At one point, one of them tries to kill the other one with the anchor of the boat. Seriously, find me another movie with an attempted anchor killing, and I will buy it on DVD (disclaimer: I probably won't). This fight scene also includes a harpoon gun. What the fuck do you need a harpoon gun for in Los Angeles?! You do not. You also have to appreciate that the day is won by giving the antagonist a swift kick in the balls. I think we could all learn a lesson from this film: the best way to thwart a criminal mastermind who is wearing your face is the same way to win $10,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos.

"Hey, JT, by the way, we can make you look totally the same as before you slapped on N Dogg's face and got in an anchor fight with an evil drug lord." Oh thanks, magic/science. Where the fuck would we be without you? We definitely wouldn't be having this adorable, soft-focus scene where they show us that even though bad things happened, everything is okay. So okay that John Travolta's daughter takes out her giant nose ring and starts dressing like a normal person. It's about fucking time. Her individuality was beginning to grate on my nerves.

In conclusion, I believe that this photo summarizes this film in a way that no review ever could:

Never Been Kissed

Had a couple bourbons and the women's station was playing Never Been Kissed. Obviously, this is the opportunity a blogger like myself can only dream about. (Grammar bitches: I ended my sentence with a preposition. Deal with it.)

I thoroughly enjoy how cliché Drew Barrymore and John Cusack... wait wait... David Arquette's characters are. The lame girl who grows up to be successful and the popular kid who ends up working in some shithole and living in his parents' basement. Please note: "grows up" is defined as being 23 and 25. "Josie, I can't go to College, I'm too old." That's a good lesson for youth today. If you're 23, it's too late to make something of yourself. Just give up.

I also love the fact that Drew Barrymore just fits right into a high school age-wise. I'll tell you why it works so well: it's not because she looks particularly young, but because everyone else is also in their mid- to late twenties; as is the custom for all adolescent movies. The 'sexy' teacher looks the same age (if not even slightly younger) than the students. I genuinely fear the day when kids in high school movies actually look as young as real life high school students to me. I feel this will be the day I will know I am truly old.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone (I'm bringing that back). The nerdy, loser girl has glasses and baggy, unflattering clothing? This has certainly never happened in any film prior to this. Let's get her in a tight dress (or... perhaps... unitard?) and throw those glasses in a trash bin and surprise: she's pretty!

Tell me something: in high school, did you ever fall in love with someone who you knew nothing about other than the fact that they were dicks to everyone? Even if they were... like... the hottest person you've ever seen? I can tell you right fucking now that I did not. Who gives a shit if someone is good looking and popular if they're boring as hell? Please. Give me some insight on this. Besides, I bet these popular, boring assholes are shit in bed, too. Since they're boring and also incredibly selfish. "I banged the hottest guy last night!" "Oh my God, that's awesome. How was it?" "The worst."

Which brings us to this "Guy" individual. This asshole is the epitome is a lame high school movie boy. He looks like he's straight out of a bad goth band (there are good goth bands?). Seriously, no man should wear so many v-necks. This shithole is showing more cleavage than half the women. I suspect he has a vagina. "Popular male" in this film seems to be defined by styled hair and a necklace. Should they not have at least one redeeming quality? I do not see the appeal of these necklace-wearing, floppy-haired jerks.

Back to our protagonist. This dork finds herself "accidentally" eating a weed brownie. I'm pretty sure that getting stoned and making an ass of yourself is not the best means of making the cool kids like you. Also, weed doesn't make you want to jump on stage and do an Elaine-style dance. It makes you want to play Zelda in the dark while eating leftover meatloaf.

When I first started watching this movie, I thought to myself  "Even Drew Barrymore all uglied up can't be unattractive enough to never be kissed." Yeah, I'm beginning to think that's not totally true. Her problem is not her face/clothes/hair. It's her personality. She's a know-it-all who corrects peoples' grammar at every turn. Although, I do genuinely believe there was a chance she could've found someone just as douchey as herself in some university study group or some crap like that and they could've had wild, disgusting, nerdy sex. Likely involving both a Boba Fett and a Slave Leia costume. I will leave it up to you to decipher who is wearing which one.

I cannot, emotionally, deal with the clothing choices for this film. Please tell me what school would allow a girl to wear what is essentially a bikini top as a shirt to school, but also has a metal detector. Oooh, right, I know! A poorly written one.

Also, this whole malarkey with her and her teacher flirting. Yes, we know it's acceptable because they're both adults, but he doesn't know that. Please do not give me some crap about how he can sense her being older. As far as he is concerned, she's 17 and he's a creep. End of story.

I can't really bring myself to believe that there is any prom where people take the theme seriously enough to dress in ludicrous costumes. As a girl, I feel the need to say: this is prom, not fucking Halloween. These girls are going to want to wear over-the-top and gorgeous dresses, not a fucking pregnant Virgin Mary costume. No self-respecting girl would be seen at a prom with a date wearing a turtle costume. Even if he is in 2gether.

I will admit that some of the sap in this movie did work on me. Cynicism aside, one can't help but empathize with this poor bitch. Faking going to high school really can be tough until you get kissed by your pedo teacher in the middle of a baseball field.