Anaconda

This gem, straight outta '97, combines my love of giant snakes and bad acting.

Just the opening credits of this mess are hilarious. Owen Wilson? Jennifer Lopez? Fucking ICE CUBE? Holy shit, is this the dude who plays Machete?! IMDB has let me know that oh my, yes it is. Whatever, he didn't even survive the credits.

Jennifer Lopez is some kind of hunter or scientist or some shit. There's also some other skank who's with Owen Wilson who wears tiny shorts and a button up shirt that's tied in the middle like every 90s sex symbol. You can always see her bra. "Is it just me or does the jungle make you really, really horny?" - Direct quote from Owen Wilson's character to hers. Yeah, they'll be lasting long. Horror film rules say he and his slutty broad bite it first; probably whilst banging in some secluded area. Well, either them or Ice Cube. Nothing carries a death sentence in a bad thriller like expressing your interest in orgasms or being an ethnic minority.

There's this dude in the beginning who's trying to bang J-Lo and somehow he bags her by talking about the mating rituals of fireflies. Yep. That's it for me. Flashing insect butts get me hot every time. I'm surprised they don't make pornos about bioluminesence.

Please prepare yourself for Jon Voight's character. He may have begotten Angelina Jolie, but his unidentifiable, South American accent leaves MUCH to be desired. Portuguese? Spanish? Nobody knows. Either way: bad. It is also important to note that he has a disgusting ponytail.

Don't watch this movie unless you're into cliched and poorly-written horror film characters.
The strong, female lead: "I am tough, sexy, and also know science."
The snooty British guy: "I've brought expensive wine on a boat that has such minimal facilities that I have to defecate in a bucket"
The sexy couple: "We serve little more purpose than to make sex jokes and die spectacularly"
The helpful older guy who turns out to be evil: "Hey guys, I know lots about the jungle. On an unrelated note, I'll totally kill you to make some money." Important to note: must be killed 30-40 times for death to be achieved.
The cool, black dude: "Aaww hell no, I ain't getting eaten by some snake" Unfortunately, sir, the likelihood is that you will.
The guy everyone forgot about until he saves the day: "Hey! I'm alive! Remember me? No? Oh..."

Also, don't watch it if you have an issue with dead monkeys.

I realise it was 13 years ago, but did they really make this movie seriously? "Okay okay, I've got an idea. We'll get a bunch of D-list actors and a couple of music stars and put them on a boat in the amazon where they're going to get eaten by a giant snake." "Dude, why didn't I think of that?!" Because it's retarded. Side note: if it were a reality show, I think I'd watch it. Can we make that happen somehow?

The dialogue, acting and special effects are out-of-control ridiculous. There is actually a scene that includes a CGI Anaconda that's on fire and still trying to eat people. Don't you think writhing in pain would be a priority over satiating its hunger? I don't know about you, but nothing curbs my appetite quite like being lit on fire.

This movie sucks. I wouldn't recommend watching it unless you're very intoxicated. Or stupid. Stupid works too.