Bee Movie

I usually try to pick movies that a person with a similar sense of humour to my own would either have seen or have no desire to see. I watch the shitty movies so you don't have to. This is dedication. Tonight's feature is, unfortunately for my mental health, one of the latter.

I can't decide who I'm more disappointed in: Jerry Seinfeld or whomever decided it was a good idea to cast Jerry Seinfeld as a CGI bee.

It's only the pre-movie advertisement that's supposed to make me want to watch the movie and I'm already sick of bee-related puns. I can't bee-lieve this. I promise that's the last one I'll make. Not the last one I'll be horrified by, though, I'm sure. Somehow they just made a pun about "Pomp and Circumstance" What. The. Fuck. I'm going to bee sick. AAAAAAH! It's contagious!

I need to get this out of the way quickly in order to satisfy my need to have a nerd attack: all worker bees are female. All of them. Look it up. Male bees are "Drones" and they're basically living sperm factories. However, so far in this movie, the only female bees we've seen are Jerry Seinfeld's mother and a tour guide. Oh no, now there are two giggly sluts who are turned on by pollen. Fuck you, writers! How could you betray us with something so unrealistic! Luckily, they kept in the fact that bees drive tiny cars around the hive and totally wear clothes as long as they're yellow and black.

So Seinfeld bee leaves the hive even though he's not supposed to and falls in love with a woman. Bee. Love. Woman. For the love of fuck, really? Inter... not just species... we're talking fucking inter-phyla relationships. If you have issues with inter-racial relationships, don't see this movie. I'm not against people being happy and in love, but I'm not sure I can get behind this relationship. Even if you completely disregard all the issues with internal organs and exoskeletons, size itself is a major problem. And on top of all this shit, the crazy broad seems to be falling for him, too. "Well, I went on a couple dates with this guy and I think we're hitting it off" "Oh really? Where does he live?" "A hive, because he's a fucking BEE!!!!" Clearly this movie is trying to perpetuate our standard, Hollywood "Love conquers all" tripe. Love doesn't conquer all. Especially if one of you has ten thousand times the life expectancy and body mass.

Additionally, does nobody else question the fact that this woman is talking to a bee? At first she's all like "Clearly I'm dreaming" but then she realizes she isn't but is like "Well, if I'm not dreaming, that's fine. I'm clearly just talking to a bee" and fucking moves on with it as if it's no big deal. I like living in a fantasy world as much as the next person, but this is just out of control.

Also, how loudly are bees talking to each other if their normal, indoor voices are the same with one another as they are when speaking to a human thousands of times their size? Perhaps this concerns me slightly more than it should.

There is a brand of honey in this film called "Ray Liotta Honey" and I find this humourous and so should you.

My pathetic drunk self was actually sad when the main bee's best friend stung a guy. I audibly shouted "Oh no!" I was concerned he would die. But, through ludicrous film magic, despite stinging a fat man in the butt, he survived because he obtained intravenous honey in the human hospital where he was staying. I get that honey is very important for bees, but I'm pretty sure if you pumped it into their circulatory system it would not go well. Though, I do admit I'm not some kind of bee doctor.

You may have noticed that I have been deliberately avoiding the plot of this film. Why? Because I enjoy the fact that you are reading my blog and I want you to be happy. I am giving you only the parts of this movie that are worth seeing and, let me tell you, the plot is not one of those things.

Now, don't get me wrong, I really like Jerry Seinfeld. Seinfeld is, arguably, the best show ever made. Having said that, the man is by no means an actor. The reason he does such excellent comedic work is because he is not a very good actor. Hearing Jerry Seinfeld deliver a "heartwarming speech" definitely leaves something to be desired. His voice is not suited to the obligatory epic speech that accompanies any movie with half-assed writing. It is far more suited to tangents about low talkers and inferior bobka.

Well, that's it for Bee Movie. It definitely wasn't the worst thing I've seen so far, but if you happen to be flipping channels one night and there are children about and it's either this or Santa Buddies, I'd definitely recommend this one. You may laugh more than once at something other than the irony that you used to want to be a veterinarian.

Oh, and I can't really find anywhere to put this, but I feel like it's totally relevant.