Get Rich or Die Tryin'.

For anyone who is not aware, this is the 50 Cent movie that is allegedly based on his life.
I realize that only 4 or 5 people actually saw this, so I'll do my best to make this review readable to those who haven't.

Somewhere in the beginning he's talking about how he doesn't know who his father is and says "The problem was, everyone loved my momma; so anyone could be my daddy." So... "My mom's a slut." Thanks, son! I'm really glad you put my promiscuity into your film as a plot device. That's every mother's dream!

His girlfriends' parents find a rap tape that he's recorded and given to her as a gift. In true 50 Cent form, it is overtly sexual and includes phrases like "Lick up on it." The girl's parents make her move away. Personally, I think that's a slight over-reaction to owning a tape with explicit lyrics, but the 80s were a different time. You can never be too careful in an era when this was not only acceptable, but revered.

You know, this IS a deeply heartwarming tale. 50 Cent becomes a drug dealer at a pretty young age. When asked why, he replies that it is so he can afford to buy sneakers. Footware is the true currency of the impoverished.

The switch between "Young 50" and him after like... 15 is definitely when the shit starts to get good (and by "good" I obviously mean "hilariously awful.") Watching 50 Cent attempting to act is really deeply entertaining. I actually laughed aloud when he was having a fight with some family members that ended with him yelling "I'm a gangsta, grandpa, and I'm proud of it!" Good lord. Really?

Correct me if I'm wrong, here, but I suspect that part of being a good rapper is being able to speak quickly but still be understood. Maybe he was better at opening his mouth before the whole... shot in the face... thing, but I feel like Mr.Cent would be a superior rapper if he would actually open his mouth while speaking. Then again, I am not some kind of hip hop scholar.

I happen to be watching this on TV (since I don't exactly have the capital for renting movies at the moment) and I think the censors need to get their shit straight. Earlier in the film they blurred out a joint that was being passed between 2 guys, but completely left in the scene on how to make crack. Having youth know what a joint looks like is completely unacceptable, unlike showing them how to make crack and also innumerable gang fights and drive-by shootings. Shooting people and drug dealing: cool; smoking weed and eating Cheetos in your underpants: tantamount to genocide.

Majorly epic scene that I'm supposed to be sad about and all I can think about is how funny it was one when the one guy said "I'll get a amb-a-lance."

Well, I went to refill my drink for what I thought was 2 seconds and now 50 Cent is in jail and the man who, earlier, was wearing a mesh tank top is now some kind of rap producer. In the meantime, our protagonist has been scrawling rap lyrics on the wall with a razor. Seeing as he became a famous rapper, this is kind of a neat plot point. If he hadn't, they'd just have been the incoherent ramblings of an insane, incarcerated man.

All I know is that this new part where 50 Cent is doing less shooting people and way more rapping is extremely boring. So what if you can make rap music with beats people like? Snooooooooore. It's way more interesting when you're popping caps in asses.

Right before he gets shot in the face in this movie, he says "I thought I heard my mother call my name. Turned out it was my grandma. That's what saved my life." Interesting if you're following all this drama about 50 Cent's Twitter. Grandma, you may have saved my life, but I ain't takin' out no garbage now that I've gotten rich as opposed to dying trying. He certainly has gotten rich. This is what he does now when he's bored.

I really do need to remember how stylish one looks whilst wearing a bullet-proof vest. I think I am going to purchase one as a fashion accessory. Fiddy's, however, must serve a slightly more practical purpose. Shoot me one time, shame on you, shoot me 9 times and I'm going to start wearing a bullet-proof vest to bed. He may also want to invest in a helmet. Just a thought.

Overall: this movie is worth watching for the comedic value alone. There are definitely some moments that will make you crack up with laughter. I hope you can tolerate 50 Cent's music, though, since it is the entire sound track. Occasionally they listen to it on the radio in times before he was even recording music. Yep. For real. I give this movie 9 gunshots to the face. (Zero, of course, being the ideal - since nobody wants to get shot in the fucking face.)