The Scorpion King

I should probably preface that I totally haven't seen the second Mummy movie, nor do I intend to.
I chose this winner based solely on its poster --->
and the fact that it stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Dude, The Rock is your character name. That's like Harrison Ford being billed as "Han Solo" in any film post-Star-Wars. Most people try to get away from being typecast but The Rock is all "Listen bros, I don't care if I'm a Scorpion King or a Tooth Fairy, I can't have people forgetting the best and most logical catch phrase in television history."

I mean, come on, look at his intense brow furrowing. That's how you know he's serious. Plus, there is a woman in some kind of chain mail bikini and some flaming swords. If you're a man and you don't have an erection yet, I suggest making a doctor's appointment because there is clearly something wrong with your junk.

Ohhh good news, everybody! The bad guy and the good guy in this feature both have stupid, ponytail-based hairdos. That's really the best indicator of a film's quality.

There's some ongoing junk about how The Rock is the last of some clan called The Acadians which seems like really poorly executed historical research to me, but who gives a shit? If I were the historical researcher for a movie starring The Rock, I would be like "Fuck this, losers. I'm going to make up some shit about French Canadian people and then I can go back to doing coke off my Brazilian girlfriend's fake tits." But I'm not, so instead I'm going to drink gin and complain about bad movies on the internet.

I gotta say, I'd much rather be watching some people attack each other with large guns while racing fast cars than shooting arrows from camels. Although there is unquestionably some camp value to The Scorpion King being shot from a catalapault into a harem.

The Rock's character has shaped eyebrows, long hair, appears to be wearing quite a lot of makeup and is named Matthias. No offense to Matthiases everywhere (Although I'm assuming that would be majoratively Switzerland), but that sounds like a really poorly-written, sassy, gay character who is the sidekick in a romantic comedy. The main character talks about how fat she is even though her BMI is substantially below the healthy level and he assures her that she is beautiful even though he totally digs cocks. "Oh, sweetie, you're sexier than a fireman covered in truffle oil"

Well, there's certainly no greater relationship starter than using each other to save your own ass. That's the real sexiness. "Hey, baby, I need to use you as a hostage" "Oh good, because I was hoping you'd smuggle me out of prison" and so on. I think that's the basic plot of most Kate Hudson movies. The fucked up thing is, it could totally be one. "The Hostage". And the poster shows the two of them back to back looking smug.

Could also work with Katherine Heigl and Matthew Macconaghey.

They keep calling The Rock "The Acadian" which, to me, sounds like a review movie theatre. You know, the one your grandpa goes to to see matinees of 12 Angry Men and yell at the screen?

Unquestionably, the best part of this movie is the frequent brow-furrowing and looking slightly to the left. The cover is pretty epic, but in reality it's just boring. And not even bad enough to be enjoyable. The kind of bad where you really want to turn it off but you're like "I dunno, man, we've made it this far. Maybe there will be some kind of epic battle..." Nope. Turn it off. Go have a wank or cuddle your pets (But for the love of god, not both at the same time). It will not get better. The epic, final battle is the same quality you'd expect to see in your local high school's production of Les Miserables. Although with much sillier costumes.

To sum up, I'm pretty put off by how little of this film actually pertains to scorpions, let alone scorpion heirarchies.

The Little Mermaid

Obviously, since I was once a little girl in the 90s, I've seen this movie a thousand times. However, while the other little girls wanted their very own Prince Eric, my interest lied squarely with Sam the dog. Before you get into any silly bestiality comments, please consider that as far as a 6-year-old girl is concerned, there are few differences between a relationship with a man and one with a loveably fictional dog. Tea parties, holding hands and, of course, cuddling. The only difference being that most girls don't imagine the dog dressed in a tux in front of a priest. (Perhaps one with a boner?)

Does anyone else find it a little strange that in this opening concert nobody noticed that Ariel was missing until the middle of the fucking performance? Weren't they like "Where the fuck is she?!" during makeup or any of the other preparations? For that matter, didn't someone at least have to help her get into that ludicrously over-sized clam shell thing? "She's not in here yet, I guess I'll just close 'er up and hope for the best" - some random stage hand. 

How can Sebastian possibly be Jamaican? Am I to believe that he's an immigrant? If so, would a crab from the Carribean really be able to survive in, what I'm guessing, is somewhere in Europe? I should say not. Therefore, the only reasonable explanation is that he is either faking it or has some kind of extremely unconventional speech impediment.

I need to address Ariel's compulsive collecting of human artifacts. At one point, she is running away from a shark and runs back to grab her bag at risk of being killed because it contains a fork. Even if you disregard how the Mer-people feel about humans, this is a very unhealthy addiction. I get that it's a slight betrayal for Sebastian to tell her father, but in the guy's defense I would totally tell him too. Though it is a wonder how the king would respond to a suggestion that he take his daughter to a Mer-Psychologist. Every other time I've seen this movie, I empathized with Ariel when her dad smashes all her things and - though I do admit that wasn't the best reaction - I feel sorry for the guy. If I found out my kid was that obsessed with anything, I'd freak the fuck out, too. I guess at least she's obsessed with humans and not Justin Bieber.

Disney, you guys need to cool it with the fatty hate. The evil character is an overweight octopus-woman? That's nice. Wouldn't her evil scheming and being a witch be sufficient to frighten children? Do we need to throw in a dash of intolerance as well? It's not as if young girls growing up watching this won't already want Ariel's lovely (and physically impossible), physique. Now, in addition, they learn the important lesson that fat people are evil and will try to kill you. Please note the fat French chef as another case of evil fat people trying to murder everyone you love.

We are made to believe that Flounder dragged the statue of Prince Eric back to Ariel's secret cave. That motherfucker doesn't even have a means of gripping something like that, let alone the strength to pull it a great distance. He can't have gotten help since only he and Ariel know about the cave. My only conclusion is that Flounder has been juicing. Also, if I were Prince Eric and I found out this bitch had a huge, ridiculous statue of me in her weird hide-out so she could look at me whenever and kiss it and god knows what, I would be extremely worried. As a Prince, I'm sure he's used to dealing with problems of stalkers and people who are into him that he wants nothing to do with, but seriously, it's one thing to Google Brad Pitt and print out 35 pictures of him and another altogether to have a fucking stone statue of him that's the size of a compact car that only you and your best friend (who happens to be a fish) know about. Seriously, this chick needs to be locked up. She's a hazard to herself and others.

By no means am I some kind of... hydrologist (is that a thing?!), but I am pretty fucking certain that if you were swimming that vigorously around the ocean, your fucking tiny as shit bikini top would fall right off. Admittedly, as far as Disney is concerned, this is probably a part of her anatomy and not some kind of clothing item. Kind of like Ursula's dress/tentacles.

I get that Disney cartoonifies everything, but just like their loving interpretation of baboons, I gotta say: have you ever seen a fucking ling? They are scary as shiiiiiiit! (Disney vs. Real)

Ariel turns into a human and learns to walk in like... five minutes? No chance she learns to walk upright that quickly. And that's if you completely ignore the whole mess of having entirely new genitalia. Seeing a vagina for the first time is definitely not something for the faint of heart, but consider the fact that she completely needs to re-learn how to pee.

This fucking asshole prince has a woman living with him and they're dating and going out together to events and like fucking going boating in blue lagoons together and this dick meets some other broad who has the same voice as some chick he remembers from a dream and he's like "LET'S GET MARRIED TOMORROW!!!!!" That's pretty fucked up, if you ask me. If he's willing to leave you suddenly on a whim just because you have laryngitis, he may not be the man you want. Also, wouldn't he, at some point in the marriage, see the real Ursula in the mirror when they're like... getting ready to go to work or whatever and be like "FUCK, you're secretly a fat witch who's also an octopus. We should maybe consider separating."

I really can't get into how fucked up it is that this girl is leaving everything and everyone she's ever known to be with a man she met 3 days ago. Even as a kid I thought this was insane. I get that he's gorgeous and also the god damned Prince, but... fuck. I think you might be jumping the gun a bit. This isn't like moving to Asia to be with someone you love. You can't go back to the world you grew up in. Ever. You can briefly see members of your family if they swim to the scary, dangerous surface (even though mermaid law dictates that humans are totally not supposed to see mermaids). It's a pretty messed up scenario. I hope things don't go South for this relationship.Thanks for the important lesson, Disney. Remember, kids: if you find a hot, rich guy, marry him right away even if it means never speaking to any of your friends and family ever again.

For additional information on how fucking terrifying ling are, click here.

Devil

Tonight I'm going to watch the newest M. Night Shayamalan movie because nobody else in the world is going to. Seriously, I saw a trailer for this movie in theatres, and there was a collective groan from the audience when his name popped up. Pretty sad. I almost feel sorry for the guy and then I remember his high-end call girls and millions of dollars and his giant mansion probably keep him warm at night where I have to settle for a bottle of whiskey and a duvet I stole from my mother's house.
Once again I will do my best to write this so you can read it if you haven't seen this movie since there is no fucking reason to see it unless you write a comedy film blog.

Basically, it's all about 5 people trapped in an elevator together and, allegedly, one of them is the devil.

The first shot you see is of your obligatory, ominous, biblical quotation in a scaaaary font. Then, we have a song that is full of strings and timpani and all manner of scary instruments that have reminded you of the devil since that one part of Fantasia that you always made your mom fast forward. This lovely music is played over negative images of a city. Oh shit, those sure are scary. I'm glad I couldn't make those in MS Paint in under a minute.

So for those of you who missed out on seeing the trailer for this beast, the biggest name (unless you're big into The O.C.) in this is the guy who says "The Snozberries taste like Snozberries" in Super Troopers. Side note: he is also fucking Christina Hendricks. I wish I were kidding. This guy is assigned as the scapegoat right off since he's ugly. Naturally, he's the first to die.

They give some bullshit science excuse for why the lights keep randomly going out in the elevator, but obviously it's a plot device. "How can we have people abusing each other in an elevator and not make it clear who perpetrated it?" "Let's shut the lights off." "Nobody will buy that." "We'll list M. Night as a producer." "PERFECT!"

The opening of this film is narrated by this Latino guy who turns out to be in charge of security or some shit in the building that houses the elevator from hell. Anyway, once he sees the elevator madness, he is the one who tells us that obviously the devil himself is at work here. How does he prove this theory? He picks up a piece of toast with jam and throws it in the air. It lands jam side down. Sir, even if you have an extremely basic understanding of science you can realize that the side with the jam on it is heavier and, subsequently, will land first. Fuck, I think I figured that out on my own when I was like 8 and someone asked why bread always lands jam-side-down. I guess if you're dumb enough to pay money to see this, you have a similar IQ to an 8-year-old. I think people would take this guy more seriously if he were an older, English fellow with a tweed jacket, glasses and a leather-bound book.

The... protagonist(?) I guess that's what we'll call him, of this film is a cop (obviously) who's investigating the elevator murder. The man has a devastating past that we are reminded of twice before even approaching the halfway point of the movie. "Here's why I don't believe in the devil: people are dicks and my life is hard."

Good lord, it seems the reason they've all been chosen to be in this elevator is because they're all evil and they need to be punished. I'm sure there's a porno out there with a similar premise.

One of the big, important security guys goes downstairs to find out what's causing the elevator to be stuck and he finds a high voltage wire has been disconnected. In lieu of finding some kind of professional in the field of high voltage wires, he attempts to pick it up with a stick. What he was planning on doing with it afterward remains a mystery to me, but obviously he's too busy being intensely electrocuted for us to find out. I'm sure he'll live even though that makes no sense.

Now they're trying to tell me that this whole thing is a metaphor for our own problems. If you take responsibility for the bad things you've done, everything will be okay. Please, M. Night, take responsibility for raping people's minds so that you can afford another Bugatti.

The "twist" ending of this makes you groan as much as the audience when I first saw the trailer for it. I won't tell you what it is in case you're dumb enough to see it, but lemme tell you, it's fucking horrible. Not an "Oh wow! That totally makes sense!" Much more of an "Oh, that's how they're going to get around that." If you want to be a writer you should see this movie just so you can see what not to do. It's really eye-rollingly awful. (If you really want to know what it is but don't want to see the movie, shoot me an email and I'll tell you.)

So basically this movie was everything I'd expected and even less. I wouldn't suggest watching it unless you enjoy shitty, shitty films. Here's hoping someone locks M. Night Shayamalan in an elevator before he gets a chance to make anything else.