Bee Movie

I usually try to pick movies that a person with a similar sense of humour to my own would either have seen or have no desire to see. I watch the shitty movies so you don't have to. This is dedication. Tonight's feature is, unfortunately for my mental health, one of the latter.

I can't decide who I'm more disappointed in: Jerry Seinfeld or whomever decided it was a good idea to cast Jerry Seinfeld as a CGI bee.

It's only the pre-movie advertisement that's supposed to make me want to watch the movie and I'm already sick of bee-related puns. I can't bee-lieve this. I promise that's the last one I'll make. Not the last one I'll be horrified by, though, I'm sure. Somehow they just made a pun about "Pomp and Circumstance" What. The. Fuck. I'm going to bee sick. AAAAAAH! It's contagious!

I need to get this out of the way quickly in order to satisfy my need to have a nerd attack: all worker bees are female. All of them. Look it up. Male bees are "Drones" and they're basically living sperm factories. However, so far in this movie, the only female bees we've seen are Jerry Seinfeld's mother and a tour guide. Oh no, now there are two giggly sluts who are turned on by pollen. Fuck you, writers! How could you betray us with something so unrealistic! Luckily, they kept in the fact that bees drive tiny cars around the hive and totally wear clothes as long as they're yellow and black.

So Seinfeld bee leaves the hive even though he's not supposed to and falls in love with a woman. Bee. Love. Woman. For the love of fuck, really? Inter... not just species... we're talking fucking inter-phyla relationships. If you have issues with inter-racial relationships, don't see this movie. I'm not against people being happy and in love, but I'm not sure I can get behind this relationship. Even if you completely disregard all the issues with internal organs and exoskeletons, size itself is a major problem. And on top of all this shit, the crazy broad seems to be falling for him, too. "Well, I went on a couple dates with this guy and I think we're hitting it off" "Oh really? Where does he live?" "A hive, because he's a fucking BEE!!!!" Clearly this movie is trying to perpetuate our standard, Hollywood "Love conquers all" tripe. Love doesn't conquer all. Especially if one of you has ten thousand times the life expectancy and body mass.

Additionally, does nobody else question the fact that this woman is talking to a bee? At first she's all like "Clearly I'm dreaming" but then she realizes she isn't but is like "Well, if I'm not dreaming, that's fine. I'm clearly just talking to a bee" and fucking moves on with it as if it's no big deal. I like living in a fantasy world as much as the next person, but this is just out of control.

Also, how loudly are bees talking to each other if their normal, indoor voices are the same with one another as they are when speaking to a human thousands of times their size? Perhaps this concerns me slightly more than it should.

There is a brand of honey in this film called "Ray Liotta Honey" and I find this humourous and so should you.

My pathetic drunk self was actually sad when the main bee's best friend stung a guy. I audibly shouted "Oh no!" I was concerned he would die. But, through ludicrous film magic, despite stinging a fat man in the butt, he survived because he obtained intravenous honey in the human hospital where he was staying. I get that honey is very important for bees, but I'm pretty sure if you pumped it into their circulatory system it would not go well. Though, I do admit I'm not some kind of bee doctor.

You may have noticed that I have been deliberately avoiding the plot of this film. Why? Because I enjoy the fact that you are reading my blog and I want you to be happy. I am giving you only the parts of this movie that are worth seeing and, let me tell you, the plot is not one of those things.

Now, don't get me wrong, I really like Jerry Seinfeld. Seinfeld is, arguably, the best show ever made. Having said that, the man is by no means an actor. The reason he does such excellent comedic work is because he is not a very good actor. Hearing Jerry Seinfeld deliver a "heartwarming speech" definitely leaves something to be desired. His voice is not suited to the obligatory epic speech that accompanies any movie with half-assed writing. It is far more suited to tangents about low talkers and inferior bobka.

Well, that's it for Bee Movie. It definitely wasn't the worst thing I've seen so far, but if you happen to be flipping channels one night and there are children about and it's either this or Santa Buddies, I'd definitely recommend this one. You may laugh more than once at something other than the irony that you used to want to be a veterinarian.

Oh, and I can't really find anywhere to put this, but I feel like it's totally relevant.

Face/Off

A film where John Travolta and Nicolas Cage trade identities by literally swapping their faces is one that deserves being made fun of endlessly.

This movie begins with slo-mo and close-ups of John Travolta on a carousel and Nicolas Cage drinking from a straw with a comical moustache. As someone trying to write in the comedy genre, it is important to note that there are some times in life when there is nothing you can write that will ever be as funny as when someone else tries to write something serious and fails miserably. This entire movie is the perfect example of this phenomenon.

For example, Nicolas Cage has just planted a large bomb and is now -- I shit you not -- dancing provocatively in a priest's robe. His character is definitely one of the most over-the-top movie villains I've ever seen and that can be based solely on these sunglasses.

The amount of slo-mo in the movie alone deserves an entire entry. I've been watching it for 15 minutes and there have already been two separate and unrelated slow motion gunfights. I am beginning to believe this movie was made in normal speed and they were like "Shit, it's only 25 minutes long. What do we do?" "Make it 90% slow motion?" "GENIUS!" That guy got promoted to "Dude who brings the coffee and doesn't get spit on."

God damn, John Travolta's daughter is some kind of delinquent (aka. a teen). That's why he's such an emotional wreck that he has stubble and his tie is loosened. I mean, the girl as a nose ring and wears eyeliner for Christ's sake. If that we're my kid, I'd drive my car into a landmine factory.

At long last it is face-switchin' time. Did anyone casting this movie look at the shapes of Nicolas Cage and John Travolta's craniums? They are completely differently shaped. This is not just a certain amount of facial fat, this is a completely different facial structure. The explanations of the science behind how it's all possible are ludicrous to the point of absolute hilarity. "We'll give you plastic surgery and affix his face to your face" Okay, here's the thing: this is what a person with a full-face transplant looks like after months of healing. This is what "John Travolta" looked like after the face-swapping montage was over. Keep in mind this movie also came out over a decade ago. I have to say, if you don't yet have the scientific advancements to make a realistic-looking CGI laser, then you likely don't have access to the medical science required to keep John Travolta's face in a jar while he's out test-driving another one. I guess maybe this could be possible if the FBI has secret medical techniques that they're hiding from the public; so long the surgeon is the big man himself (Gandalf)  and their new, fancy drugs are made of ground up leprechauns and unicorn semen.

There have been films in which I have considered Nicolas Cage and John Travolta to be good actors. This is not one of those. The amount of over-acting involved in every single scene makes me want to cry with laughter and then immediately call all acting schools in the surrounding area and suggest this as a "what not to do" video.

Having said that, I am partial to any movie that contains the phrase "sex sandwich".

Also, I do genuinely enjoy how much Travolta makes fun of his own appearance. The man's famed chin dimple is referenced specifically at one point; being referred to as "This ridiculous chin."

To those who watch True Blood: Andy Bellefleur is in this movie; but it's before he went bald.
I've come to the realization that if you watch any movie from the late 90s, you'll find it to be choc-full of people you know from current TV shows. Don't believe me? Hyde from That 70s Show has a brief role as a dude who tries to rape Travolta's daughter.

One of the climactic scenes of this shit show is a like... 7-man Mexican standoff in the middle or a church. If the action film you've been writing in your basement on your mom's computer has anything less, you're a pussy. Though there's a pretty good chance of that being the case anyway.

Please do not forget that this film includes a speedboat gunfight. Yes, actually. These two lifelong rivals who have switched faces chase each other down in speedboats and attempt to kill one another from their respective water crafts. There are so many flaming explosions, you would think you were watching Nascar. At one point, one of them tries to kill the other one with the anchor of the boat. Seriously, find me another movie with an attempted anchor killing, and I will buy it on DVD (disclaimer: I probably won't). This fight scene also includes a harpoon gun. What the fuck do you need a harpoon gun for in Los Angeles?! You do not. You also have to appreciate that the day is won by giving the antagonist a swift kick in the balls. I think we could all learn a lesson from this film: the best way to thwart a criminal mastermind who is wearing your face is the same way to win $10,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos.

"Hey, JT, by the way, we can make you look totally the same as before you slapped on N Dogg's face and got in an anchor fight with an evil drug lord." Oh thanks, magic/science. Where the fuck would we be without you? We definitely wouldn't be having this adorable, soft-focus scene where they show us that even though bad things happened, everything is okay. So okay that John Travolta's daughter takes out her giant nose ring and starts dressing like a normal person. It's about fucking time. Her individuality was beginning to grate on my nerves.

In conclusion, I believe that this photo summarizes this film in a way that no review ever could:

Get Rich or Die Tryin'.

For anyone who is not aware, this is the 50 Cent movie that is allegedly based on his life.
I realize that only 4 or 5 people actually saw this, so I'll do my best to make this review readable to those who haven't.

Somewhere in the beginning he's talking about how he doesn't know who his father is and says "The problem was, everyone loved my momma; so anyone could be my daddy." So... "My mom's a slut." Thanks, son! I'm really glad you put my promiscuity into your film as a plot device. That's every mother's dream!

His girlfriends' parents find a rap tape that he's recorded and given to her as a gift. In true 50 Cent form, it is overtly sexual and includes phrases like "Lick up on it." The girl's parents make her move away. Personally, I think that's a slight over-reaction to owning a tape with explicit lyrics, but the 80s were a different time. You can never be too careful in an era when this was not only acceptable, but revered.

You know, this IS a deeply heartwarming tale. 50 Cent becomes a drug dealer at a pretty young age. When asked why, he replies that it is so he can afford to buy sneakers. Footware is the true currency of the impoverished.

The switch between "Young 50" and him after like... 15 is definitely when the shit starts to get good (and by "good" I obviously mean "hilariously awful.") Watching 50 Cent attempting to act is really deeply entertaining. I actually laughed aloud when he was having a fight with some family members that ended with him yelling "I'm a gangsta, grandpa, and I'm proud of it!" Good lord. Really?

Correct me if I'm wrong, here, but I suspect that part of being a good rapper is being able to speak quickly but still be understood. Maybe he was better at opening his mouth before the whole... shot in the face... thing, but I feel like Mr.Cent would be a superior rapper if he would actually open his mouth while speaking. Then again, I am not some kind of hip hop scholar.

I happen to be watching this on TV (since I don't exactly have the capital for renting movies at the moment) and I think the censors need to get their shit straight. Earlier in the film they blurred out a joint that was being passed between 2 guys, but completely left in the scene on how to make crack. Having youth know what a joint looks like is completely unacceptable, unlike showing them how to make crack and also innumerable gang fights and drive-by shootings. Shooting people and drug dealing: cool; smoking weed and eating Cheetos in your underpants: tantamount to genocide.

Majorly epic scene that I'm supposed to be sad about and all I can think about is how funny it was one when the one guy said "I'll get a amb-a-lance."

Well, I went to refill my drink for what I thought was 2 seconds and now 50 Cent is in jail and the man who, earlier, was wearing a mesh tank top is now some kind of rap producer. In the meantime, our protagonist has been scrawling rap lyrics on the wall with a razor. Seeing as he became a famous rapper, this is kind of a neat plot point. If he hadn't, they'd just have been the incoherent ramblings of an insane, incarcerated man.

All I know is that this new part where 50 Cent is doing less shooting people and way more rapping is extremely boring. So what if you can make rap music with beats people like? Snooooooooore. It's way more interesting when you're popping caps in asses.

Right before he gets shot in the face in this movie, he says "I thought I heard my mother call my name. Turned out it was my grandma. That's what saved my life." Interesting if you're following all this drama about 50 Cent's Twitter. Grandma, you may have saved my life, but I ain't takin' out no garbage now that I've gotten rich as opposed to dying trying. He certainly has gotten rich. This is what he does now when he's bored.

I really do need to remember how stylish one looks whilst wearing a bullet-proof vest. I think I am going to purchase one as a fashion accessory. Fiddy's, however, must serve a slightly more practical purpose. Shoot me one time, shame on you, shoot me 9 times and I'm going to start wearing a bullet-proof vest to bed. He may also want to invest in a helmet. Just a thought.

Overall: this movie is worth watching for the comedic value alone. There are definitely some moments that will make you crack up with laughter. I hope you can tolerate 50 Cent's music, though, since it is the entire sound track. Occasionally they listen to it on the radio in times before he was even recording music. Yep. For real. I give this movie 9 gunshots to the face. (Zero, of course, being the ideal - since nobody wants to get shot in the fucking face.)

Can't Hardly Wait

From the opening alone we can tell this is a 1990s teen RomCom. (Personally, I prefer my romcoms to have some zom in there too.) There's some pop-rock song overlaid with a brightly-coloured, handwritten-looking font. And, of course, the words "Seth Green".

Alright, this is bringing back my prior crap about high school movies. I admit I'm not a dude and I also admit I was 10 when this movie came out. However, I do not get being in love with someone you don't know. I get that she's pretty (in fact, this dude doesn't even see her face before he's officially in love with her) What else are we basing this on? Her skills at selecting painfully nineties outfits including some kind of tank top with a lime green daisy on it?

Oh shit, Sabrina the Teenage Witch wants to get her yearbook signed by everyone? Couldn't she use some kind of spell for that? Actually, probably not. Her aunts would be like "Sorry, you can't trick people into doing things. You can only use magic for things that aren't of any actual use to you in real life. Thus making it clear that wishing to be a witch was a waste of time. Do you hear that, all 14-year-old girls? (Being a vampire would suck too, all puns aside)

Well, it just wouldn't be a 90s high school movie without Donald Faison and Breckin Myer. Don't know who those dudes are? I bet you do.

Someone needs to inform film makers that there is actually a market for writing female characters that have more depth than being like, the hottest girl ever. Basically, if a female character is written in a remotely realistic fashion, the best she will get is a pity lay (aka Seth Green).

Clearly Jennifer Love-Hewett is the fucking love interest. She's got that whole "girl next door" look to her. Yeah, if the girl next door got very expensive implants and some veneers. No, the "girl next door" look is bullshit. I think it really just means "brunette".

Seriously, can someone please confirm or deny the realism of women in 90s high school movies basically wearing bikini tops to parties? Was there a time when this was an acceptable alternative to... you know... clothes?

I bring your attention to all the cool guys and their respective girlfriends. The black dude and the black girl are together, obviously. You know, because it's 1965. However, the latino fellow is permitted to date a blonde girl and the Asian girl is allowed to bone whomever she pleases. Obviously I am unclear on the rules of film in the 90s. In all seriousness, does no one think it's fucked up that in 1998 that they couldn't have an interracial relationship in a film? Just sayin'. I thought William Shatner solved this problem in 1968 (nerd alert).

I also have to admit that this movie is full of the kind of people that I recognize from various roles but have no fucking clue who they are. They're the kind of people who got one line in a movie that did pretty well and then maybe got two lines in a movie that did terribly. Although Tara from Buffy is in it as an extra which is kinda cool if you're a major dork.

I keep forgetting that this main character guy exists. Maybe that's because I'm an asshole, but the greatest likelihood is because nobody cares about a whiny douche.  "I'm in love with a girl I don't know anything about." Who the fuck cares? I can't believe how much nobody cares that you're in love with Jennifer Love-Hewitt. You know what? I don't even care about Jennifer Love-Hewitt in this film either. "I got dumped by the hottest guy in school and now want to date a weird dude I don't know who sent me a creepy letter." They are by far and away the least interesting part of this narrative. I hope their relationship ends in a flaming car crash before they're able to reproduce.

According to this film, unless you're one of the popular, pretty, slutty girls, you're extremely cynical, fat and and completely insane. Touche, Can't Hardly Wait.

Just a heads up, high school students: if you find yourself having a heartfelt conversation with a stripper dressed as an angel in a diner parking lot at 2am, it is time to re-think your life and maybe like... go to a good university before you fuck up everything for some broad you've never actually talked to.

I gotta say, my personal favourite part of this movie has to be that fucking Jerry O'Connell plays Trip McNeely or, "A sexual icon" as the one dude says. Seriously. This is the same guy who played the "fat" kid in Stand By Me. Who knew he would grow up to be a teen heartthrob. The other kids from Stand By Me had their careers unfold pretty naturally. Wil Wheaton grew up to play a nerd on TV and Rivers Phoenix grew up to die in a nightclub bathroom from a drug overdose.

Keep an eye out for Jason Segel if you do watch this. If you don't know who that is, then maybe don't.

Why, movies, must you represent people falling in love as them having sex. We know the characters have finally acknowledged their feelings for each other because they've done the bone dance. Good lesson for societies youths. "If you want someone to know you love them, just have drunk sex and they'll know. Also, once you kiss someone and you slide down to kiss in a horizontal position, that means you've had sex. There are no steps between kissing and sex."

Shit, hearing the song Dammit by Blink 182 does make me smile. It reminds me of a time before I knew what the difference between good and shitty music was, and that was a good time for everyone.

Holy crap, the train station get-together? Really? "I love you so much I followed you to the train" "Well, I'm moving to _______" Real life "Oh, shit. Gotta go!" Movie "I'm coming with you so we can get married and have babies."

There are definitely some parts of this movie that are genuinely funny, but only if you ignore the entire main plot. If you pay too close attention to that your brains might melt out your ears and get all over the couch and then your mom would be mad that you made such a mess.