I chose this winner based solely on its poster --->
and the fact that it stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Dude, The Rock is your character name. That's like Harrison Ford being billed as "Han Solo" in any film post-Star-Wars. Most people try to get away from being typecast but The Rock is all "Listen bros, I don't care if I'm a Scorpion King or a Tooth Fairy, I can't have people forgetting the best and most logical catch phrase in television history."
I mean, come on, look at his intense brow furrowing. That's how you know he's serious. Plus, there is a woman in some kind of chain mail bikini and some flaming swords. If you're a man and you don't have an erection yet, I suggest making a doctor's appointment because there is clearly something wrong with your junk.
Ohhh good news, everybody! The bad guy and the good guy in this feature both have stupid, ponytail-based hairdos. That's really the best indicator of a film's quality.
There's some ongoing junk about how The Rock is the last of some clan called The Acadians which seems like really poorly executed historical research to me, but who gives a shit? If I were the historical researcher for a movie starring The Rock, I would be like "Fuck this, losers. I'm going to make up some shit about French Canadian people and then I can go back to doing coke off my Brazilian girlfriend's fake tits." But I'm not, so instead I'm going to drink gin and complain about bad movies on the internet.
I gotta say, I'd much rather be watching some people attack each other with large guns while racing fast cars than shooting arrows from camels. Although there is unquestionably some camp value to The Scorpion King being shot from a catalapault into a harem.
The Rock's character has shaped eyebrows, long hair, appears to be wearing quite a lot of makeup and is named Matthias. No offense to Matthiases everywhere (Although I'm assuming that would be majoratively Switzerland), but that sounds like a really poorly-written, sassy, gay character who is the sidekick in a romantic comedy. The main character talks about how fat she is even though her BMI is substantially below the healthy level and he assures her that she is beautiful even though he totally digs cocks. "Oh, sweetie, you're sexier than a fireman covered in truffle oil"
Well, there's certainly no greater relationship starter than using each other to save your own ass. That's the real sexiness. "Hey, baby, I need to use you as a hostage" "Oh good, because I was hoping you'd smuggle me out of prison" and so on. I think that's the basic plot of most Kate Hudson movies. The fucked up thing is, it could totally be one. "The Hostage". And the poster shows the two of them back to back looking smug.
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| Could also work with Katherine Heigl and Matthew Macconaghey. |
They keep calling The Rock "The Acadian" which, to me, sounds like a review movie theatre. You know, the one your grandpa goes to to see matinees of 12 Angry Men and yell at the screen?
Unquestionably, the best part of this movie is the frequent brow-furrowing and looking slightly to the left. The cover is pretty epic, but in reality it's just boring. And not even bad enough to be enjoyable. The kind of bad where you really want to turn it off but you're like "I dunno, man, we've made it this far. Maybe there will be some kind of epic battle..." Nope. Turn it off. Go have a wank or cuddle your pets (But for the love of god, not both at the same time). It will not get better. The epic, final battle is the same quality you'd expect to see in your local high school's production of Les Miserables. Although with much sillier costumes.
To sum up, I'm pretty put off by how little of this film actually pertains to scorpions, let alone scorpion heirarchies.
